The Cheney Of Command

*

The VP and his lawyers have recently decided (I thought that was G-Bushy's job) that he is not part of the Executive Branch of governement and therefor does not have to abide by the same executive secrecy rules that the President does. This is a pretty huge flip-flop as he has been protected in the past claiming executive privelege. The Energy Task Force is one great example. Many folks believe he basically let his oil industry cronies write policy.

Rahm Emanuel has made the argument that if the office of the VP is part of the legislative branch then its funding should be controlled by the purstrings of congress. If his argument holds true he intends to defund the VP's office. I think it is very clever however unlikely.

A more realistic advantage of the the Veep's office being part of the Legislative branch would mean that he could thoretically be brought up on Senatorial ethics charges. It's basically a fucked/fucked situation for Cheney but I believe it is the intention of his office to keep this whole mess in the courts until the curtain closes on this administration.

*Taken from a children's website on the basic structure of our system of government.

Pants Suit

A judge ruled in favor of the owners of Custom Cleaners. Roy L. Pearson, an administrative law judge, originally sought $67 million from the Chungs, claiming they lost a pair of suit trousers and later tried to give him a pair that he said was not his. He later reduced his claim to $54 million. What a saint.

As happy as I am for the Chung family that owns the business, I am worried about the ramifications this will have on my current $3 trillion lawsuit against Clorox for ruining a chambray shirt I’ve had since 1993. 14 years down the drain. It was like a member of my family died when I saw that bleach stain.

Shit You Don't Need

I eyed this product on the tube this morning in the break room at work.



It's called The Perfect Pushup and you might want to consider buying one if you have ever looked at your floor and thought, "You know what this floor needs? Handles!"

CIA Reports

We've all heard (and probably used) the phrase, "I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you." Apparently, the CIA has decided that they no longer need to kill us and are just gonna tell us. Read all about it here.

You Gotta be Shitting Me (Again)

So let me get this straight... Karen Stevens, Tovah Calderon and Teresa Kwong all had good performance ratings as career attorneys at Justice. They were all minority women. So it just makes perfect sense that they were replaced by a bunch of white people. I mean, just because they worked for the civil rights division doesn't mean that the people responsible for letting them go would stop to think that it might be a violation of their civil rights or anything.

This is just the latest in a string of "you must be fucking kidding me" moments to come out of the DoJ in recent months. Schumer and Leahy are gonna take turns ass punding this Schlozman fella. This guy is such a dumbass. He probably would have gotten away with it if he hadn't felt the need to brag about it. He bragged that he did it to "make room for some good Americans." Apparently, good = white Republicans.

An Urgent Plea To The Chicago Department Transportation

To whom it may concern,

I ride my bike to work every day (weather permitting) in an effort reduce my carbon footprint as well as my beach sand ass-print. We have a lot of different bike routes in the city that I am really happy to have. I can generally plan a reasonably safe route from where I live to just about any destination in the city. In many cases there is even a designated bike path. I am truly proud to live in a city that encourages such green commuting.

Having said all that, I do have one very urgent complaint that I hope can be addressed soon. On my way home from work there is a strip of southeast bound Milwaukee Ave. that has a shoulder so rough that navigating it requires the use of a cup. I'm serious. Between Lawrence and Irving Park my boys really take a beating. Some days I wish I was a eunuch. Riding a bull would be a cake walk in comparison. I don't know if this kind of abuse can make you sterile or not but I am pretty sure that it can scramble my eggs enough to produce a few short bus riders if you get my drift. Please, if not for my sake,for the sake of my future children, address this problem immediately.

Sincerely,

Michael K

Oh, No!

I have been riding my bike to work again lately. It's about 14 or 15 miles each way. In the morning it's not too bad but in the heat of the late afternoon I perspire quite heavily. As such, I found myself fantasizing of a big pitcher of green (yes, green is a flavor)Kool Aid on my home yesterday in the near 90 degree heat. By the time I got back to my neighborhood I was jonesing for a sweet, vitamin C fortified fix.

I locked up my bike and headed over to the little Mexican grocery around the corner. Up and down the aisles I went. In the soda aisle? Nope. Maybe it's by the sugar. Nope. By the coffee and tea? The dehydrated foods? By the Juices? Nope, nope and nope. I head on over to the counter...

Counter Lady: Can I help you?

Me: Where do you keep the Kool Aid?

Counter lady: Hold on. (she turns and shouts to a guy in produce) Pedro! Pedro!

Pedro: Que?

Counter Lady: Spanish spanish spanish spanish spanish.

Pedro: Spanish spanish spanish spanish spanish.

Counter lady: (to me) No. We don't carry it.

Me: Really? No Kool Aid, no Flavr-Aid, no Wyler's?

Counter lady: Sorry.

I was outraged. I have been surprised in the past by some of the items this store doesn't carry but not having Kool Aid just doesn't make sense. I live in a relatively low income/ethnic neighborhood and nobody loves themselves some Kool Aid like poor people. I have vowed never to darken their doorway again.

I walked across the street to the little convenience store and they had Kool Aid. I got enough to make a gallon of the green stuff.

I hurried home with my treasure and mixed up a big batch and served over ice. The first glass was delicious. The second was almost as good. The glass I poured to go with my big dinner salad went largley untouched. Ya know, a gallon of Kool Aid is a lot for one person.

So Long Mr. Wizard

As a total nerd, I watched Mr. Wizard's show every chance I got. I even recreated several of the experiments (some even successfully) in my garage and basement. After one rather smelly chemical reaction made the house stink like a rotting corpse for days, I was grounded for 2 weeks.

I owe a great deal of my reclusive manner in school and general awkward way with women to Don Herbert and his ilk but how can you hold a grudge against a guy who scared the piss out of an even more awkward kid each week on his show? Here's to you, Mr. Wizard.

WTTW, Your Window To Some Bullshit Suze Orman Crap

I love PBS. I love the cooking shows on weekends. I love Frontline and Nova on Tuesday nights. I love The McLaughlin Group, The News Hour, Chicago Tonight and a whole mess of other programming. I donate when these shows are on because that is why I watch. So why the fuck do they put on all these stupid fucking self improvement programs and terrible concerts by some of the lamest performers ever during the pledge drive? Do they think that by driving away their core viewership and attracting people who like crap that they can make more money?

Suze Orman scares me. I mean, look at her. I think she wants to eat my brains. And who the fuck is going to take financial advice from a woman who would buy a shirt like that?

Czar Wars

I am actually pretty impressed with this Lute guy. He is finally telling it like it is. He even agreed that we should start pulling troops out since the current situation is creating a cycle of dependence on US support. Sadly, he doesn't really have any clout on his own. He cannot direct the actions of the military directly but rather is there to coordinate the activities of the executive branch.

There is the possibility that with Pace leaving after September(effectively ending the Rumsfeld era) that significant changes in the chain of command could be brought to pass. If not staffing changes, certainly we can expect operational changes. The guy they are going to tap to replace Pace is Admiral Michael Mullen, Chief of US Naval Operations. As someone who served in the USN, I can say that more so than any other branch of the military the Navy is focused on coordinating efforts and excel at it. Anytime we had joint operations during my service, the Navy was directing operational and tactical for all branches involved. This is due heavily to the Navy being more of a technology driven operation than personnel driven. They are always looking to reduce dependence on people to handle military actions.

I am looking forward to changes and am actually slightly optimistic that although there will never be an ideal solution, an acceptable compromise might be on the horizon. Then again the whole fucking place might just end up in the cross hairs of a bunch of the Navy's nuclear subs. ICBM, Iraq Can Be Mastered.

Cheney Shafts Scooter Again

When Scooter Libby's trial lawyer chose to read a letter calling for leniency in his clients sentencing, he might have considered the author first. Considering recent events, a letter from Paul Wolfowitz that endorses your good character is maybe not such a good choice. Maybe he should have read the letter from Rumsfeld? I am sure that was a real tear jerker. Henry "Love Machine" Kissinger also authored a letter on his behalf. The cynic in me says that this is just the thank you he gets for taking one for the team.

They released over 150 letters of support after the sentencing yesterday. That might be a little surprising but the biggest shocker is that the boss he took a dive for didn't bother to send a letter from his office to supprt him. Dick Cheney has done nothing to make me think he is a nice guy but this is a huge snub from an administration that prides itself so much on rewarding loyalty. If I were Scooter, I'd get on the phone with Fitzgerald and start spilling the beans on that son of a bitch right now looking for a reduced sentence. If he thought the Veep's office fucked him hard just wait til the boys on the cell block find out there's a guy named Scooter around.

Salting The Wounds

I had kind of a bad weekend in the debilitating pain department. It started off pretty normal but things turned sour after Saturday morning.

I met some friends out for lunch on Saturday at The Pontiac and we decided to sit outside. It was fairly overcast so the fact that I had no sunscreen on didn't even cross my mind. When we left 3 hours later, I was feeling kind of toasty. By 5 that evening the lobster red had set in and my nose had already started peeling.

The sunburn sucks but I wasn't satisfied with that. I needed some serious deep tissue damage. What better way to do that than hurtling yourself over the handlebars of your bike at high speed and slamming into a fucking oak tree? I can't think of a better way so that's what I did while trying to avoid a car that cut me off when they pulled into the bike lane directly in front of me. I think I cracked a rib or two; my left forearm feels like its broken and my shoulder is so black and blue that it looks necrotic. Throw in some really nice scratches and knuckle abrasions and you can just imagine how attractive I look and feel today.

But wait! I'm still not finished punishing myself. I have a 4 hour dentist appointment this afternoon. That's right! 4 fucking hours of pure bliss. I am thrilled.

Finally, I got an email this morning from my boss letting me know that I am being rewarded for my team's great performance by being sent to this. Fuck.

Enough With The Bugs Already

A transcript from ABC News:

Charlie: Well, Diane it appears that another 17 years have gone by and the cicadas are emerging from the ground once again in swarms across the mid-west.

Diane: That's right, Charlie and what better way to celebrate the occasion than by chowing down on some of those bad boys!

Charlie: What a fabulous idea. How do you like yours prepared?

Diane: Oh, no! I'm not eating that shit but I bet we can find a few struggling newbies to gulp down a bunch of those fucks.

Charlie: You are so right. Let's go now to the poor bastard in Illinois we found to tell everybody they taste like chicken or asparagus or some shit like that.

Well, maybe it didn't go exactly like that on camera but behind the scenes I'm pretty sure that's how it went down.



Let's get back to some real news now. OK?

Something Fishy

I got home yesterday to find this sticker on my front door: I was a little skeptical of this statement especially considering the source (PETA) so I decided to do a little research and here are my findings:

Supporting Evidence:

• None

Contrary Evidence:

• Where were the fish when I needed help moving? Under water somewhere.
• Fish are delicious.
• Fish are full of omega 3 fatty acids.
• Fish eat other fish. They are even food for themselves!

Conclusions:

• Fish make really shitty friends.
• Fish are not only food but really good food.
• Dirty hippies love stickers.

All Hail The Secret!!!

I was reading the latest copy of The Nation on my way to work today (no, I'm not a communist) and there was an article about the most innovative self improvement book since How to Make Friends and Influence People; The Secret.

For those of you who don't know what the secret is, here's a brief synopsis. If you imagine something to be true hard enough, it will become fact. If I focus very hard on (I wrote "hard on") making gobs* of money, I will make gobs of money. That makes perfect sense doesn't it? The Secret's infallible logic will set you free and make all your dreams come true.

Most of you know all the basic stuff about The Secret because Oprah loves it. What you might not know is that The Secret also brings back the best parts of the EST (which evolved into the present Landmark Education) movement that made everybody perfect in the 70's and early 80's. What parts are those you ask? No matter what someone tells you about The Secret you should not pay attention to them. Got a skeptical spouse? Leave him/her because they are just an anchor around your neck. Your dreams aren't coming true? It's because there is something wrong with you. You aren't trying hard enough. You aren't positive enough. You don't believe enough.

What about all the bad stuff that happens to people all over the world? They haven't gotten The Secret yet. Katrina? No Secret. Tsunami? No secret. Little girl in Florida buried alive by a sex predator? Looks like someone didn't learn her Secret very well.

So keep smiling, America! You are truly wonderful beautiful people.**

*1 gob = $1 zillion
** So long as you have The Secret.

Jump Shot

A friend of mine at work came in this morning with a nasty scratch under his eye. He explained that he had gotten it playing basketball in Emmerson Park last night. The scratch led to a little pushing when one of the guys on his team got involved. Apparently, there were pre-existing tensions between other players that he and his friend were not aware of when they joined the game. A large fight broke out that went on for close to half an hour. My coworker and his pal had distanced themselves from the brawl. In the end, a gun was drawn and all involved dispersed into the neighborhood.

My co-worker and his friend were the only people remaining when the police finally showed up. He told his story and gave descriptions as best he could. The police accused my buddy of starting it since he had a cut under his eye. After a while they left rather disgusted by the police response.

Considering the "Don't Snitch" policy of many of the residents of this neighborhood, you'd think the police would be very happy to have a couple of guys that were willing to talk to them.

Allow Me To Be Fully Candid

From the AP: The Justice Department's former White House liaison denied Wednesday that she played a major role in the firings of U.S. attorneys last year and blamed Deputy Attorney General Paul McNulty for misleading Congress about the dismissals.

McNulty's explanation, on Feb. 6, "was incomplete or inaccurate in a number of respects," Monica Goodling told a packed House Judiciary Committee inquiry into the firings.

She added: "I believe the deputy was not fully candid."

Can we stop using terms like "not fully candid", "misleading statements" and "incomplete or inaccurate"? These motherfuckers are lying. McNulrty lied to congress. He committed purjury. Alberto Gonzales also lied to congress. He committed purjury. Why do people lie to congress? Because they probably did something illegal that they cannot recall. What is it? We may never know because they keep lying and for some reason we have yet to call them on it.

I am hoping that Godling dishes with the facts at some point since she has been given some protection from prosecution in exchange for her testimony. I am hoping but I kind of doubt it.

Also, when will Washington learn that having girls named Monica involved in politics is a recipe for disaster?

There's No Such A Thing As A Free Meal

I went out last week with a few people from work for dinner. I don't go out much as I am trying to save money so that I can buy a condo again next year. I hate renting.

Anyways, we were out and I ordered a few things and I think I spent way too much money considering the strict budget I have put myself on. I spent as much on myself as you would expect to pay for 3 people in an average restaurant. The food was fantastic but I felt guilty for the indulgence later.

I was going over my account on line today and realized that the charge for my dinner has yet to post to my account. I would expect a few days delay over a weekend but it's been over a week and still nothing. I called my friends and asked if they had been charged with my tab. They said no but that their bills had posted to their accounts. One person even uses the same bank I do.

I feel kind of guilty getting something for nothing even if I know the place we went to makes money hand over fist but still. I always worry that some poor waiter got stiffed cuz they fucked up the paperwork or that somebody else was charged for my meal. So even though I am making out at the bank, I am paying with my conscience. Stupid conscience.

Newt-ered Logic

A newt is a slimy little creature that secretes toxins from its skin. Newt Gingrich is a slimy little creature who secretes bullshit from his mouth. On Meet the Press today he repeatedly tried to make direct comparisons between the Iraq War and the American Revolution. If you'd like to watch this total load of shit check it out here.

Beautiful

Some beautiful noise for your weekend. Lay in the sun and smile while you enjoy the musical comforts of Blonde Redhead.