Thursday, December 20, 2007

The Writers Strike Must End

Clash Of The Choirs? Is that really what's on TV tonight? For 2 hours? Are you fucking kidding me? Who let Michael Bolton on TV? And Patti Labelle? Way to be on top of the hot talent NBC. Blake Shelton sounds like a made up soap opera name written by a 9 year old.

I don't know who has to blow who over in Hollywoodland to end this thing but people better starting putting on the lip gloss pretty soon or I am gonna shoot somebody. They're bringing back American Gladiators on prime time TV for fuck's sake! I am going to turn on my TV soon hoping to catch a new episode of 30 Rock and there is going to be a man in a unitard named Laser beating a guy with a pillow on a broom handle. Fuck me.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

A Christmas Story

When I was in elementary school, we were off the week prior and the week following Christmas. For me, much of this time was spent outside playing in the snow. Burrowing tunnels through plow piles, sledding, snowball fights and the like were pretty much the sole source of entertainment until we got Atari when I was in th 6th grade. Looking back, it was a lot of fun but I was always jealous of those friends who got to go on vacations every winter. They'd come back from break with tans and stories about dolphins, parasailing, and snorkeling.

The first few days recesses back at school were usually spent discussing what we had done over break. We'd huddle around on the playground and share our stories. The vacation kids usually went first as they were the most enthusiastic. The kids who got really cool stuff like snowmobiles and mini-bikes were next followed by kids who talked about stunts they pulled and drunken uncles. The last kids to speak were the one-uppers and the liars. In the fifth grade I was in the "stunts/uncles" group after getting busted at the beginning of the year telling a complete bullshit story about what I had done over summer break. I had learned my lesson. This is a story of someone else's humiliation.

It was the first day back from break we were out at recess. Eric P (last names abbreviated to protect the innocent) had just finished telling a funny story about a drunken uncle at a Christmas Eve party and we were all replaying images of it in our heads. After the giggling subsided, Joe R. piped in and started telling a story about something his brother did at his own Christmas Party. We listened to him but we were a little skeptical of everything he said.

Joe was a horrible one-upper who filled his stories with lots of exaggerations. Once, during a class party for our teacher's birthday, Joe did a few magic tricks. After the teacher told him how good he was, we had to endure Joe telling us all that his grandfather was friends with Harry Houdini. Most of his stories were studded with these types of gems. They were fantastic but unverifiable.

Joe's story was going along as we would usually expect. He exaggerated about how much stuff was at the party and how awesome his brother's car was. The goose his mom made barely fit in the oven. His grandmother gave him a check for for a thousand bucks but the money was in the bank and he couldn't get at it until he was 16. We doubted a lot of what he said but noone was going to call his house and ask his mom so what could you do?

Joe wasn't getting the ooh's and ahh's he wanted so his story began to take a more fantastic turn. The following are Joe's words as best I can recall them.

Joe: So then, we went home after the party and my mom let me eat rum balls. I think they had a lot of rum in them and I was feeling all drunk. I stayed up and watched Scrooge and then I put out cookies and stuff for Santa.

This last part sent up a few alarms but nobody called him on it. Some families do these things out of tradition. We let him go on.

Joe: I went to bed and later I heard some noise coming from the living room so I got up and snuck out to look and Santa was there putting presents under the tree.

You'd think the stunned look on all our faces would have clued him in to bail on this tale but I think he misinterpreted it as us all really digging his story. He continued.

Joe: Yeah, so there was Santa and I was trying to be quiet but he knows everything so he knew I was there and everything so he turned around and said, "Hello, Joseph. You've been a very good boy this year so I came to give you a special present."

His only salvation would be if this turned into a drunken uncle/child molester story but Joe was now completely in fantasy land.

Joe: So Santa took me up to the roof and gave me a ride on Rudolph and we went to the North Pole and met the elves and stuff. I got to have cookies with Mrs. Claus and everything. Then he flew me back and he gave me a new football and made me go back to bed.

The grilling started immediately. "Wow, Joe. What did Santa look like?" "What kept you from freezing to death in your pajamas while flying to the North Pole on a reindeer?" Dozens of questions were asked and Joe came up with fantastic answers for all of them. He had no idea that he was rapidly digging the hole we would soon bury him in. My best friend, Eric, finally ended the real questions and started the ridicule.

"Hey, Joe." he started, "What does reindeer shit smell like? Candy canes?"

Paul W. added, "Yeah, Joe. What do Santa's balls taste like?"

I don't remember how it ended exactly. I'm sure the bell rang at some point and ended the nightmare that Joe had conjured for himself. We teased him about it for weeks and every year after that someone would bring it up at a class Christmas party or dance. Hell, here I am writing about it all these years later. I wonder if he wakes up sweating on Christmas day with the sound of laughing 10 year old boys in his head. I know I would.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Democratic Debate

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Wha? Huh? Sorry. I nodded off a little bit there for a second. Talking about family farmers is pretty fucking fascinating but can we get to the blowjobs? Iowans really need a BJ right now. Please tell them how much you like the greasy shit that they all choke down at the state fair.Please tell them how important they are and how awesome they are. Sure, there's a war going on but BJs are what is really on the minds of potential caucus goers in IA. Go get your knee-pads, Joe. There are only 3 weeks left and you're way behind in the polls.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Republican Debate

After watching the debate last night I came away with these basic points:

  • Carolyn Washburn is a stickler for time limits
  • Alan Keyes is batshit crazy
  • Carolyn Washburn has a giant rod up her ass
  • Mitt Romney has nice hair
  • I cannot imagine what kind of living nightmare it must be to work for Carolyn Washburn
  • Tancredo's stance on ensuring that immigrants are assimilated into our culture comes off a little racist

Monday, December 10, 2007


Is it just me or does it bother anyone else that Dana would start a press briefing on the CIA destroying video of interrogations with a super flirty greeting?

Scooter dropped his appeal for one reason. He might be found guilty again and by the time the trial is over Bush will be out of office and unable to pardon him.

Al Sharpton Is At It Again

I guess Al couldn't find any innocent LaCrosse players to accuse of rape today so he decided to make threats against the Chicago Police Department. He is demanding an investigation into a number of police brutality cases or else he plans to petition the IOC to deny Chicago's olympic bid. Here are a few points I'd like the "Reverend" to consider:
  • There is already an ongoing investigation into several police brutality cases.
  • A Special Opersations Section task force was recently disbanded due to controversy.
  • A new Police head was brought in from the outside to clean up the force. Jody Weis has extensive experience in prosecuting corrupt cops.
  • Al Sharpton is an embarassment to the Civil Rights movement.
  • Does anyone believe the IOC will listen to Al Sharpton?
  • Al Sharpton was a drug dealer turned snitch to avoid prison.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Please Stop Beating The Drums Now (Updated!)

In case you haven't heard, it turns out that Iran halted its nuclear (nucular if you're Republican) program back in 2003. Seems that the GOPs intense rhetoric and insistence that Iran was not only developing a nuclear weapon but according to Bush, had "threatened countries with a nuclear weapon". From a few months ago:

I expect we will hear a lot from the Republican candidates in the coming weeks defending previous statements. John "Bom-bomb Iran" McCain will probabaly feel most compelled to make a statement in defending his position and will probably say something like, "Well, it looks like the pressure we put ion them recently worked.", even though it turns out we were making threats based on faulty intelligence once again.

The big question that pops into my head after all this is, "How do we keep getting it wrong when it comes to these very important intelligence issues?" My guess is that the best people in the intelligence world are being directed by Bush cronies, appointed to positions they are not qualified to hold. The rest of the administration is a mess. My guess is that that the CIA, NSA, and FBI are probably in just as bad shape. Where are all the lessons we were supposed to have learned from 9/11, GW? Fuck.


Why in the hell would Mike McConnell tell W that he had new information and then not tell him what it was? How the fuck would anyone on his staff let him make speeches about WW III knowing that there was evidence like this out there? And finally, does anyone really believe a word that comes out of his mouth?