A Christmas Story

When I was in elementary school, we were off the week prior and the week following Christmas. For me, much of this time was spent outside playing in the snow. Burrowing tunnels through plow piles, sledding, snowball fights and the like were pretty much the sole source of entertainment until we got Atari when I was in th 6th grade. Looking back, it was a lot of fun but I was always jealous of those friends who got to go on vacations every winter. They'd come back from break with tans and stories about dolphins, parasailing, and snorkeling.

The first few days recesses back at school were usually spent discussing what we had done over break. We'd huddle around on the playground and share our stories. The vacation kids usually went first as they were the most enthusiastic. The kids who got really cool stuff like snowmobiles and mini-bikes were next followed by kids who talked about stunts they pulled and drunken uncles. The last kids to speak were the one-uppers and the liars. In the fifth grade I was in the "stunts/uncles" group after getting busted at the beginning of the year telling a complete bullshit story about what I had done over summer break. I had learned my lesson. This is a story of someone else's humiliation.

It was the first day back from break we were out at recess. Eric P (last names abbreviated to protect the innocent) had just finished telling a funny story about a drunken uncle at a Christmas Eve party and we were all replaying images of it in our heads. After the giggling subsided, Joe R. piped in and started telling a story about something his brother did at his own Christmas Party. We listened to him but we were a little skeptical of everything he said.

Joe was a horrible one-upper who filled his stories with lots of exaggerations. Once, during a class party for our teacher's birthday, Joe did a few magic tricks. After the teacher told him how good he was, we had to endure Joe telling us all that his grandfather was friends with Harry Houdini. Most of his stories were studded with these types of gems. They were fantastic but unverifiable.

Joe's story was going along as we would usually expect. He exaggerated about how much stuff was at the party and how awesome his brother's car was. The goose his mom made barely fit in the oven. His grandmother gave him a check for for a thousand bucks but the money was in the bank and he couldn't get at it until he was 16. We doubted a lot of what he said but noone was going to call his house and ask his mom so what could you do?

Joe wasn't getting the ooh's and ahh's he wanted so his story began to take a more fantastic turn. The following are Joe's words as best I can recall them.

Joe: So then, we went home after the party and my mom let me eat rum balls. I think they had a lot of rum in them and I was feeling all drunk. I stayed up and watched Scrooge and then I put out cookies and stuff for Santa.

This last part sent up a few alarms but nobody called him on it. Some families do these things out of tradition. We let him go on.

Joe: I went to bed and later I heard some noise coming from the living room so I got up and snuck out to look and Santa was there putting presents under the tree.

You'd think the stunned look on all our faces would have clued him in to bail on this tale but I think he misinterpreted it as us all really digging his story. He continued.

Joe: Yeah, so there was Santa and I was trying to be quiet but he knows everything so he knew I was there and everything so he turned around and said, "Hello, Joseph. You've been a very good boy this year so I came to give you a special present."

His only salvation would be if this turned into a drunken uncle/child molester story but Joe was now completely in fantasy land.

Joe: So Santa took me up to the roof and gave me a ride on Rudolph and we went to the North Pole and met the elves and stuff. I got to have cookies with Mrs. Claus and everything. Then he flew me back and he gave me a new football and made me go back to bed.

The grilling started immediately. "Wow, Joe. What did Santa look like?" "What kept you from freezing to death in your pajamas while flying to the North Pole on a reindeer?" Dozens of questions were asked and Joe came up with fantastic answers for all of them. He had no idea that he was rapidly digging the hole we would soon bury him in. My best friend, Eric, finally ended the real questions and started the ridicule.

"Hey, Joe." he started, "What does reindeer shit smell like? Candy canes?"

Paul W. added, "Yeah, Joe. What do Santa's balls taste like?"

I don't remember how it ended exactly. I'm sure the bell rang at some point and ended the nightmare that Joe had conjured for himself. We teased him about it for weeks and every year after that someone would bring it up at a class Christmas party or dance. Hell, here I am writing about it all these years later. I wonder if he wakes up sweating on Christmas day with the sound of laughing 10 year old boys in his head. I know I would.

At Least You're Pretty

I have read reports over the past several days that no substantive mid-east peace conference will occur any time soon. Why then does Dana make it sound like Connie's trip was successful and that a meeting will occur soon?

Pakistan is a "moderate Islamic state?" Are you fucking kidding me? The place is crawling with Taliban and Al Qaeda. A lot of people believe that they are providing a safe haven for none other than Osama Bin Laden. Wait, you're right, Dana. It's totally moderate.

The duck hunting remark at the end was pretty funny.

Why Isn't This Fella In Jail Yet?

Just fucking charge him already. What the fuck are we waiting for? Oh, wait. I forgot that no one will actually be able to prosecute anyone since the entire justice department is in the president's pocket. Fucking fuck.

Aide-ing And Abetting

GW decided to commute the sentence of Scooter Libby which makes months of thinking of dirty prison jokes a complete waste of my time and energy. I literally had a pun filled post ready to go for the day he reported to prison. I must have spent at least 5 minutes on it. G-Bushy owes me 5 minutes of life. I am sure he will honor his debt but not until I am writhing in pain on my death bed wishing they would pull the plug on me.

After having a few days to take it all in I decided to revisit and edit this post. I think I gave the Bush administration a little too much credit on doing something based on character and loyalty earlier. Turns out that this all just more calculated politics.

I failed to think a few steps ahead. I didn't think about who would benefit from this move aside from Libby. I had forgotten about Plame's civil case and that makes all the difference. You see, Bush didn't pardon the man because that would mean he wouldn't have to appeal his case. If he isn't cought up in an appeal he has no grounds to plead the 5th in Valerie's civil trial. GW left the door open to possibly pardon him later on. I am pretty sure we all know that pardon is contingent on Libby keeping his mouth closed tight until sometime near the end of '08.

Allow Me To Be Fully Candid

From the AP: The Justice Department's former White House liaison denied Wednesday that she played a major role in the firings of U.S. attorneys last year and blamed Deputy Attorney General Paul McNulty for misleading Congress about the dismissals.

McNulty's explanation, on Feb. 6, "was incomplete or inaccurate in a number of respects," Monica Goodling told a packed House Judiciary Committee inquiry into the firings.

She added: "I believe the deputy was not fully candid."

Can we stop using terms like "not fully candid", "misleading statements" and "incomplete or inaccurate"? These motherfuckers are lying. McNulrty lied to congress. He committed purjury. Alberto Gonzales also lied to congress. He committed purjury. Why do people lie to congress? Because they probably did something illegal that they cannot recall. What is it? We may never know because they keep lying and for some reason we have yet to call them on it.

I am hoping that Godling dishes with the facts at some point since she has been given some protection from prosecution in exchange for her testimony. I am hoping but I kind of doubt it.

Also, when will Washington learn that having girls named Monica involved in politics is a recipe for disaster?