Monday, June 26, 2006

Scarred For Life

There is a commercial on TV that I have seen several times and just this morning it struck me that perhaps something was amiss behind the scenes. In the commercial is a little girl with a 2 inch long burn on her face. She goes on to say that if you use this special cream you can reduce scarring. Flash forward 2 weeks and her scar is noticeably diminished.

Here's where I thought to myself, "Are they advertising for kids with burns on their faces to come and audition for these commercials?" I can just picture a stage mom reading the paper and coming across an ad that reads, "Wanted. Adorable children with great acting chops. Must have 2 inch burn mark on left cheek." The mother's eyes widen as she turns and calls to her daughter, "Joanie! Come here sweetie! And bring the curling iron with you!"

They have a similiar commercial for a kid with scraped up knees. "Donnie, do you want skateboard lessons? ", a father asks. "What do you need pads for? Don't be such a pansy." I really hope this is not how these things go down.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

iPod PO'd

On my way home from work tonight I realized that my iPod was not in my bag. The zipper was open, which is not unusual as I am often grabbing things I need from my bag throughout the night. I asked the conductor if anyone had found an iPod on the train earlier and he told me they hadn't.

Now, I am totally pissed about the loss as all my music is in it and I need it for the gym and for long commutes. I love to listen to comedy albums on the way to work in the morning as it puts me in a great mood by the time I walk in the door. My conundrum is whether or not to say something at work which may start a big ado about people stealing. I don't know if it was stolen or if I simply mislaid it so I don't want someone to get fired for it. As you may imagine, low paying jobs in the kitchen are often occupied by people with a "history." Many of these fellas are nice guys but got into trouble lifting shit and using cons to make money. I'd hate for them to come under suspicion when they are trying to get their shit together.

Wow! Did I just come off as a huge liberal or what?

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

What's the Buzz?

I am starting to get settled in my new digs. I have purchased some new furniture and it is starting to feel like home slowly but surely.

The place is a gut rehab which means most everything in the apartment is new. Great appliances, nice finishes, a real nice place. They didn't replace everything however. The buzzer is still from the 70's when the building waqs built. Not a big deal but it got me thinking about something. The buzzer in Laura's and my condo is brand new. Thing is that even though they were made over 30 years apart they both make the same "BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!" sound. In fact, every apartment I have ever lived in has had the exact same buzzer sound. Whoever is in charge of product development down at the buzzer factory is friggin' asleep at the wheel.

Is it possible that some jackass actually thinks this is the ideal sound for door buzzers? The sound is a mating of a duck call and Fran Dresher's caterwauling. The noise makes every dog in my building bark and startles me. Why can't it just sound like a door bell? I mean, if my computer can let me know when I have mail in a pleasant voice, why can't my doorbell at least go "bing-bong" or some shit like that?

Monday, June 12, 2006

Public Broadcast Shit

Why is it that I contribute to PBS and WTTW every year but when they decide to run their pledge drive they pull all the good progrmming and run non-stop shit? Instead of Frontline they run a fucking Chubby Checker concert. Instead of Nova, they have some bitch talking about skin treatments. What the fuck?!

Of Many Pet Peeves

I am one of those people who are irritated by odd crap. I got lots of irritants. Today it is the issue of baseball caps that is stuck in my craw.

Why is it that any sport other than baseball would distribute baseball caps? Why do I have to look at people wearing Lakers, Bears, Bulls, Blackhawks, and all those other non-baseball clubs wearing baseball hats? This really irritates me. I don't know why. Maybe I am just an old fashioned curmudgeon.

On a similar note, I get irritated by the pink baseball hats worn by suburban ladies. I have wanted to swat them off the heads of all the faux Cub fans from Schaumburg for years. Now I see SOX faux fans wearing them. I am sorry to Ed and others if these morons are now making their way to the south side and driving your ticket prices up. I can't recall any time when the Cubs or the Sux ever having having the colors of pink and white. Why can't ladies wear blue? Why can't they wear black? Isn't it supposed to be slimming.?

Elvis Costello is Awesome.

Elvis played Ravinia tonight. He was scheduled to play from 7 to 9 but he played three encores until nearly 10. Wonderful show. He opened with "What's so Funny 'bout Peace, Love and Understanding." I was in the restaurant's dining room when he started and was smiling all night listening to him. I stayed after work for the rest of the show and it was great. I didn't even care about riding home with the drunks.

I was so happy that when I got home to find a bunch of thugs drinking on the sidewalk and leaning against the gate, I actually thought about not calling the cops. But that's what's funny about peace, love and understanding. It has limits.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

More Metra Stories

Another night at Ravinia is over. I am on the train with all the giggling drunk people heading home now. I know they are just having fun but drunken people can be very annoying, especially when you are stone sober. Worse yet, they are getting drunker by the minute. Metra allows people to drink on the train. The gentle swaying and bumps must cause innumerable spills. A girl dumped half a cup of wine in her lap to the great delight of her friends. If this keeps up, I expect the train to reach Tara Reid levels of intoxication by the time we get to Main Street. A guy on the other side of the aisle from me just uncorked a bottle of tequila. I think I may move before the puking begins.

A group of people on the lower level just started blaring music from a radio and started an impromptu karaoke session. This is like a rolling sorority/frat party and the Piano Man is always playing. My stop is approaching. More later.

P.S. The act tonight was The BoDeans. Guess which song they closed with? No surprises here.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Ann Coulter is a Crazy and Dangerous Person

So i heard a lot of things about Ann Coulter's book that seemed too horrifying to believe. I picked up a copy at the library and am working my way through it. So far all claims have been supported. She is so vile and disgusting I do not know that I'll be able to finish the book.

On a related note, the first ting I saw when I turned on the TV this morning 06/06/06 was Ann Coulter on the Today show (I don't usually watch that show.) trying to defend the satatement that the 9/11 widows are millionaires who revel in the deaths of their husbands.

This post will be updated as I work my way through this piece of shit.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Metra... The Way to Really Fly

The flying refers to nails. Not six-penny nails you use to secure your roof but rather finger and toe style. I was riding the Metra this morning when I heard an odd clicking noise. At first, I thought it was the ticket puncher of the conductor but as time went on it became obvious that it was coming from elsewhere.

There was a man on the train when I got on that was sitting in his stocking feet reading. His shoes were next to him and his feet were on the neighboring chair. This same man had started to trim his fingernails 10 minutes into the ride. I considered saying something but decided against it as the people next to him had not.

Fast forward five minutes and he has a sock off and is trimming his toe nails on the train. WTF?!!! How does a person justify this? Mind you, he does look middle eastern and may not understand western culture fully, but still.

I had to speak up. I said, "Hey buddy! That is foul! There is a time and place to do that."

He said. "It's something that must be done."

Me, "Of course. It is something that must be done at home in your bathroom. "

At this point my stop is coming up and other people near him start giving him the business so I just get up and walk off giving the offender a knowing look.

Am I an asshole for calling this dude on this? I kind of felt bad for shaming the guy.