Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Tom Skilling Must Pay

It was hovering around 92 in my hood today. Tomorrow it's expected to be around 95 AND it's gonna finally get humid out. Maybe Tom isn't actually responsible for the weather but I don't give a shit. As far as I'm concerned, he adopted responsibility when he graduated from meteorologist school. Also, his brother is that crooked Enron guy. Those Skilling kids can't be trusted.

Parenting Tips For Maury Povich Guests

If there is one thing I can always count on it's Maury Povich to bring the worst people on earth together for a lunch time filled with "You gotta be shitting me moments." Today he featured out of control teens who terrorize their passive parents. So they bring these folks on the show and the parents cry and the girls say, "Wha'eva!", over and over again and we all worry that the country is doomed to become populated by morons who love to have lots of kids. I have the solution.

Many of you may have heard of the "Time Out" or TO technique of parenting. This technique seems to work with non-brain damaged children between 1 and 10. A misbehaving child is told to take a "Time Out" and is sent to predetermined location to ponder their actions. Often, the child will become calm and actually learn to avoid TOs by acting properly. In some more incorrigible children, more extreme methods may be needed. That's where my technique comes in.

I recommend using the "Lights Out" method on the kids who appear on Maury. The Lights Out technique is implemented by denying the child of consciousness through a variety of techniques. Kid is selling drugs? Taser. Kid threatens you with a bat? Blunt instrument to the base of the skull. Kids a prostitute? Tranquilizer dart. It's just that easy! If you want further information on the Lights Out (aka KO) technique, let me know.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a paternity test coming up that I am really interested in.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Bad Medicine

I don't usually watch Dateline as it is generally some of the shittiest, fear mongering journalism on TV. Tonight I was flipping through and the topic caught my interest. I had just finished watching 60 Minutes and their report on pharmaceutical lobbying. Dateline had taken the night off from entrapping pedophiles to run a report on fake drug manufacturing. I had watched a program on this same subject on another program a few weeks ago. As such, I decided to watch.

Now, manufacturing fake medicines can be very dangerous but the experts here in the states they kept interviewing were people who would benefit most from people being frightened to death by fake meds. Who's that? Fucking Pfizer! You see, in the program I watched a few weeks ago, the reporter noted that any respectable pharmacist could easily spot a phony bunch of drugs. In fact that other program noted that unless the pharmacist was actually involved in the scam it would be hard to distribute such pills. I am getting more and more skeptical of the experts as the program goes on.

Near the end of the program, Pfizer marches out the answer. A system that puts a computer chip in each bottle to be able to more easily track the pills. You think that little gadget is going to pump up the cost of the pills? Hells yeah! You think Pfizer and friends are getting a big kick back from the manufacturer of that technology? Fuck yeah! And do you think there is a lobbyist in your representative's office right now trying to make it LAW that these chips be put on every fucking bottle of pills you buy? You got it right, MOTHAFUCKAZ!

Hope you like your drugs expensive and hard to get.

Thursday, July 26, 2007


I have been watching the pooch of a friend for the last few days and got back home last night. When I got home, there were a few fruit flies in my apartment. I thought maybe I had forgotten to empty the trash before I left. I looked in the can but there was nothing there. Just a few of them so I figured they just got in through the open window and they'd leave or die when they could find no free meal.

When I got up this morning, they were still buzzing around. They are kind of annoying because they buzz around anything remotely sweet and I had toast with raspberry preserves this morning. Drove me nuts trying to wave them off. They are very persistent and hard to swat.

An hour or so later I got my bike down from the hook and opened my back door. I almost lost my cookies. There is a large gap between my wooden door and my screen door and if I often just leave my trash in the gap for an hour or so til I've finished cleaning the house. Since I use the back door more often than the front, I rarely forget it. But not this time. There were bugs everywhere and now they were swarming into my house.

I have killed dozens of them since I've gotten home but they just keep coming. I have found a cup filled with a sugary liquid and a funnel on top makes a good trap. They get in really easy but can't get out. I have to cover my soda glass and plate with a napkin.

I can't believe there are so many of them. It was just a couple of days. Shit.

Let's See If We Can Actually Prosecute The Little Worm

His recurring talking points that we'll give them all the information they want when really the White House provides nothing they have asked for and continue to claim they lost things then later that they don't have to turn them over because it is a case of executive privilege. Then they say, "OK you can talk to these folks but only in a sealed hearing with no transcripts and no oaths." And why are they doing it? Not to save their asses but rather to protect the power of the presidency for future administrations. Yeah, right.

Tony Snow said that, "...no one has laid a glove on him.", while referring to Alberto Gonzales. Well, Tony, get your man ready to get in the ring.

Everybody cross your fingers because if the Solicitor General, Paul Clement, does not feel compelled to appoint a special counsel, all will have been for nothing. other cases in which we have seen people perjure themselves will fall to Gonzales and his cronies who will certainly refuse to prosecute. Ultimately, I think we are looking at a conviction near the end of Bush's term followed by an immediate pardon.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Why Isn't This Fella In Jail Yet?

Just fucking charge him already. What the fuck are we waiting for? Oh, wait. I forgot that no one will actually be able to prosecute anyone since the entire justice department is in the president's pocket. Fucking fuck.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Ya Know... There's A War Going On

So can we get serious for a moment? We are trying to narrow the field for our next president and here they are fielding questions from snowmen and 2 guys pretending to be hillbillies. This was pure entertainment and bad entertainment at that. I would have been better served by watching cartoons all night. Pathetic.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Attention Nerds!


Thursday, July 19, 2007

Mitt Romney Loves Pedophiles

Senator Obama recently spoke to a Planned Parenthood crowd about his view that children should be educated about good and bad touching to help avoid predatory sexual advances by pedophiles. Mitt seems to think this is a bad idea. A few years back he had a very similar view to Barack. But now he's pandering to the right instead of the rather moderate people of Mass. As he embraces the right he also embraces the hands off type of governing that encourages the style of hands on child care that NAMBLA supports.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007


I've had a few embarassing moments since moving to my new floor. The first was yesterday morning after going to the bathroom. I finished my business and walked to the sink. I waved my hands in front of the motion sensitive faucet and waited for the water to come out. Nothing. I waved some more. Still no water. I started mumbling curses. That's when the guy behind me chimed in:

Guy: It's not automatic.

Me: (realizing there are knobs on the faucet) Oh. The one on my old floor was.

Guy: Well, this one isn't.

Fucking guy! What a jerk.

The next thing was towards the end of the day. I was waiting for the elevator to go down to 3 to get a Diet Dr. Pepper. It's my favorite soda but they don't have it in the machines on 9. While waiting I see a guy come out of the women's bathroom. "Was the men's room full or something?", I say. I got almost to the end of my statement before I realized I was talking to a woman who just really looked like a guy. She just looked at me. I stared at the elevator. She also waited for the elevator. A few more seconds passed and I patted my pockets and whispered, "Shit! Forgot my wallet.", and walked back to my desk. There was no f'n way I was riding on that elevator.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

This Post Is Not A Jinx

Stephen Hawking's editor for A Brief History of Time warned him that for every equation in the book the readership will be halved. I believe the same equation is true for baseball posts on blogs. Seeing as I have already mentioned an equation and am about to blog a little about baseball, my readership should be somewhere around .125 by the time all the math is done. Shit! I just mentioned math again.

I have just begun getting excited about the Cubs again. They have been playing great lately. The young guys and old timers have really become a joy to watch. The pitching staff seems to have their shit together and the offense has really exploded since Lou exploded and got suspended for, well, being Lou. Anyways, I am pretty happy watching them play. I have a few worries though.

The last time I got all worked up about the boys in blue, I got blind sided by the Fish. You see, I (like many other Cubs fans) don't pay attention to any team outside of the NL Central. To be honest, I often don't pay attention to anything but who's on the Cubs schedule this week. I think that this comes from a long history of being disappointed by the big picture. It's easier to just focus on today's game (maybe just the current inning) and be happy if we do good today. Ignorance is bliss. This year I have tried to not do that and so, although I am confident we can win our division and maybe even the pennant, when I look out east and sea the kind of numbers being put up by Boston or just north to Milwaukee I get worried.

I'm in sales and like baseball it's a numbers racket. No one in the NL is playing .600 ball yet and may not. Some may say that you can't rely on that because of the strngth of divisions and all that. That can't be true for every division though. It just doesn't make sense.

Can someone who knows more about baseball than I do please convince me I am totally retarded and the Cubs are going to go all the way? I'd really appreciate it. In the meantime I am going to be grinning on one of the rooftops on Monday night but I'll have a helmet on.

I almost forgot. If Bonds jacks one far enough for me to catch it on Monday, I am going to throw that shit back. I don't care how much that ball is worth.

Friday, July 13, 2007

There's This Lady...

On my new floor here at work the lady in reception has a bunch of pictures of her kid at her desk. It is the ugliest baby I have ever seen. I think this might have something to do with the fact that she is very unpleasant.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Office Spaces

I got moved today. My whole group was moved from the 3rd floor to the 9th. I am now unable to walk the stairs to my office even if I wanted to. The doors only open to the stairwell on my floor. As a person who rides his bike to work often and am sometimes very sweaty, it will mean lots of odd looks from my new elevator buddies. Also, there is always a line of people waiting for the elevator each morning that I have been referring to as "elevator cows" since I started working there. They probably know this and can't wait to kill me.

I also made lots of friends on the 3rd floor. We talked today like we'd still email each other all the time and see each other at the El but I think that is just wishful thinking. I mean, I am going to be on 9! How am I going to be able to see you getting ready to go? Are you going to come up to 9 and ask, "Hey buddy, you ready to go?" I don't think so. Yer gonna start doing that with the guy that took my desk. That short,smelly,dorky asshole doesn't deserve you. Did he bring the 3rd floor doughnuts 3 times in the last six months? NO! He didn't! AND HE NEVER WILL! Sorry, I am a little upset. Excuse me for a sec.


I'm back.

The worst part is that the 9th is a total sausage festival. I used to be surrounded by beautiful ladies (see "Compliments To Sunscreen") and now it's all dudes. Sad, sad, sad.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Company Picnic

I got PAID to fuck off and eat hot dogs today. We had a bunch of inflatable attractions and a pie eating contest and everything. My employer goes all out for work parties. In the Love/Hate relationship I have with my job, the love was in full force today.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

You Should Go Buy This Book Cuz I Said So

If you don't believe me you can check out a little of it at theirwebsite.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Compliments To Sunscreen

I ride my bike to work most days and in an effort to reduce the appearance of a deep and intense farmers tan, I started putting sunscreen on my arms and face before I leave the house each morning. It is working great so far. My neck is not blood red and my nose does not resemble a red onion with its skin flaking off.

Another benefit is that there are a lot of ladies out there who really like the smell of sun tan lotion. I get compliments all day long. "You smell great." "You smell like the beach." "Somebody over here smells like summertime." I thank them all and explain why I am wearing tanning lotion in the office. This often leads to conversations about biking and that's a bonus too. Getting compliments at work is nice.

Privileged Executives

Fielding announced in letters sent to Leahy and Conyers today that he (on behalf of the president) has instructed the lawyers of former aides Harriet Myers and Sara Taylor not to testify before the Senate Judiciary Committee. In the letter he reiterated the president's lame argument, “assertion of executive privilege here is intended to protect a fundamental interest of the presidency: the necessity that a president receive candid advice from his advisers and that those advisers be able to communicate freely and openly with the president, and each other and with others inside and outside the executive branch.” How can their testimony possibly inhibit their ability to "communicate freely and openly" when they are no longer his aides? The "inside and outside of the executive branch" part is a joke too since the administration has never allowed anyone to communicate freely outside the doors of the White House.

Conyers later commented on the refusal of the White House to present a decent explanation by stating, “Contrary to what the White House may believe, it is the Congress and the courts that will decide whether an invocation of executive privilege is valid, not the White House unilaterally.” That's good stuff, John.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

So There's This Guy...

He sits next to me at work and I am thinking of killing him. I have no idea why but he has decided that I am his best friend. I have done nothing to encourage this behavior. He annoys me endlessly. He is always coming up behind me and reading whatever I might be typing at that moment. If I am reading email, “Hey. Whatcha readin’?” Watching the You Tubes, “Hey. Whatcha watchin’?” I never know when he is going to be hovering over my shoulder. I have jokingly scolded him for it a number of times but he just doesn’t get the hint. It’s either murder or quitting and I got bills to pay folks. Things aren’t looking good for this idiot.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

I Scream. You Scream. We All Scream, "Sex Offender!"

This fella is the latest of a string of stories I have picked up on this summer chronicling sex offender ice cream truck operators. I think Steve Buscemi showed us that creepy dudes and ice cream don't make a very good pairing back in '96 with his role in Trees Lounge. 11 years later and these things keep happening.

Aide-ing And Abetting

GW decided to commute the sentence of Scooter Libby which makes months of thinking of dirty prison jokes a complete waste of my time and energy. I literally had a pun filled post ready to go for the day he reported to prison. I must have spent at least 5 minutes on it. G-Bushy owes me 5 minutes of life. I am sure he will honor his debt but not until I am writhing in pain on my death bed wishing they would pull the plug on me.

After having a few days to take it all in I decided to revisit and edit this post. I think I gave the Bush administration a little too much credit on doing something based on character and loyalty earlier. Turns out that this all just more calculated politics.

I failed to think a few steps ahead. I didn't think about who would benefit from this move aside from Libby. I had forgotten about Plame's civil case and that makes all the difference. You see, Bush didn't pardon the man because that would mean he wouldn't have to appeal his case. If he isn't cought up in an appeal he has no grounds to plead the 5th in Valerie's civil trial. GW left the door open to possibly pardon him later on. I am pretty sure we all know that pardon is contingent on Libby keeping his mouth closed tight until sometime near the end of '08.

Monday, July 02, 2007

I Didn't Want To Go To Your Stupid Party Anyway!

A certain blogger has decided to make their blog invitation only. Seems that my invitation was lost or something. I am sure this was just a simple oversight. I'll just sit here and stare at my inbox til I get it.

A Total Piece of Ship

I was doing laundry and cleaning the house yesterday and had the TV going for no particular reason. I flipped through the channels for something to keep me company while I did my chores and settled on a showing of Titanic. I had never seen it before and thought that since everyone else in the world has given it a chance I should too.

I was preoccupied during much of the flick but I saw enough to know that this may have been the biggest load of poop ever to be flung upon the silver screen. Maybe I am just too cynical but it seemed to me that every single scene and line were so ham fisted and cloyingly saccharine that I felt like gouging the eyes out of every character in the film. I continued to watch to the bitter end just in case it would somehow redeem itself but it never did. With every passing second an avalanche of suburban housewife schlock gained more and more momentum. By the end, I thought the Ewoks would climb aboard the ship and announce that we were all invited to a party at Oprah's house and would ride there on unicorns.

I should have known to turn it off the second I saw Billy Zane's name appear in the opening credits.

Later, I watched Last King Of Scotland and felt a lot better.