Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Parenting Tips For Maury Povich Guests

If there is one thing I can always count on it's Maury Povich to bring the worst people on earth together for a lunch time filled with "You gotta be shitting me moments." Today he featured out of control teens who terrorize their passive parents. So they bring these folks on the show and the parents cry and the girls say, "Wha'eva!", over and over again and we all worry that the country is doomed to become populated by morons who love to have lots of kids. I have the solution.

Many of you may have heard of the "Time Out" or TO technique of parenting. This technique seems to work with non-brain damaged children between 1 and 10. A misbehaving child is told to take a "Time Out" and is sent to predetermined location to ponder their actions. Often, the child will become calm and actually learn to avoid TOs by acting properly. In some more incorrigible children, more extreme methods may be needed. That's where my technique comes in.

I recommend using the "Lights Out" method on the kids who appear on Maury. The Lights Out technique is implemented by denying the child of consciousness through a variety of techniques. Kid is selling drugs? Taser. Kid threatens you with a bat? Blunt instrument to the base of the skull. Kids a prostitute? Tranquilizer dart. It's just that easy! If you want further information on the Lights Out (aka KO) technique, let me know.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a paternity test coming up that I am really interested in.


thirdworstpoetinthegalaxy said...

I was wondering when you'd get to that paternity test thing. I haven't seen a snippet of Maury that didn't include the words "baby Daddy."

Michael K said...

It's a complete debacle that can make you feel so much better about yourself. Watching at lunch has become a regular thing so long as a Cubs game isn't on. Having a bad day? Watch these poor motherfuckers. What a f'n train wreck.

Beth said...

I never watch the esteemed Mr. Povich, but I happened to he home sick one day last week ... and you just gotta watch when you're home sick (sort of the "Leave It to Beaver" of the aughts). They had one paternity test where the guy really wanted to be the dad. It was sad watching him wait for the results ... but he got to stay daddy.

BTW, cute avatar photo.

Chaylene said...

Gee, I wonder where she learned this behavior...

Kids aren't just born that way. I think Mama has some explaining to do.