Greatest Shits

Someone please remind me never to shake Sheryl Crow's hand. After her one square of TP remark, I was a little baffled. I don't know if her bowel movements are made of stone or if she has some sort of retractable anus that works like an ovapositor or something but I have to do a little scrubbing down there after I do my business. I'd like to take a shower after I make with the #2 but that's just not always an option and probably not so smart when it comes to water conservation. If I use just one square of paper, I am probably gonna need a whole mees of paper towels to get my hands clean. I apologize in advance for the horrible mental pictures this might have caused.

Everything's Gone Green

BeforeAfter


Happy St. Patrick's Day everybody. It was such a nice morning to day that I thought I'd begin a new initiative I like to call "It IS My F'n Job." In this movement, I am going to try and do something good for my community each weekend. Today, in honor of the holiday, I decided to do something "green" and clean up the trash on my block. Two hours later and the parkways on my block are litter free... for about 5 minutes. Among the items collected:

• Beer and Soda cans - 3
  
• Vodka, rum and other liquor bottles - 11
  
• Diapers - 2 (unsoiled)
• Jeans - 1 pair
• Gloves - 5 (no matching pairs)
• Socks - 1
• Discarded parking tickets - 2
  
• Chinese take out menus -3 zillion
• Little red rubberbands used to secure above menus to gates and doorknobs -1 zillion
• Keys - 1 set (had a tag stating to put them in the nearest mailbox)
  
• Doll - 1 (very creepy and apparently dog chewed)
• Sizzlin' Hot Cheetos bags - 13
• A lot of small metal objects and stuff that appeared to have fallen off of people's cars
  
• Assorted plastic and paper products and cigarette butts- 5 garbage bags worth

I was kind of surprised by the quantity of paper goods. I was also surprised by the absence of drug paraphenalia. No condoms either. I am thinking about getting some folks to hit the park down the street next week so I am sure it's just a matter of time.

BTW, I decided to leave the freshly thawed dog poop for Mother Nature to take care of.