Saturday, August 25, 2007

A Conversation With My Friend's Dog That Is Moving To Los Angeles

Me: Who's a good girl? Who's a good girl?

Bianca: Woof!

Me: Who wants a biscuit? Who wants a biscuit?

Bianca: Woof!

Me: You're moving to LA in a few weeks and I am gonna miss you. Yer the best dog I ever get to play with, lady! Yer panting a lot. You want an ice cube, girl?

Bianca: (quizzical look)

Me: OK. Here's an ice cube. That'll cool you off. When you get to Los Angeles, you're gonna need a lot more ice cubes. It's warm there all the time. That's why everybody there is skinny. It's too hot to be fat. Yer gonna have to lose some weight. You can only be fat in LA if you are playing the catcher in a kid's baseball movie or goalie in a hockey movie.

Bianca: (sniffs crotch)

Me: Ya know, like in that movie about the Ducks and the Sand Lot? After that, you gotta get buff and be a C-lister like Jerry O'Conell or pack it in. You can't be doing the truffle shuffle and expect anyone to take you seriously unless you're really skinny.

Bianca: Owwwrrrrr.

Me: Exactly. Do you think Christian Bale would have done any fucking thing after Newsies unless he got really skinny and totally ripped? Hell No! He's got weird teeth and an odd accent.

Bianca: Shut the fuck up.

Me: I want a biscuit.


Beth said...

I'm wiping away a tear, that was so emotional. Did you get a biscuit?

Natalie said...

I don't know, Christian Bale is totally hot.