Enough With The Bugs Already

A transcript from ABC News:

Charlie: Well, Diane it appears that another 17 years have gone by and the cicadas are emerging from the ground once again in swarms across the mid-west.

Diane: That's right, Charlie and what better way to celebrate the occasion than by chowing down on some of those bad boys!

Charlie: What a fabulous idea. How do you like yours prepared?

Diane: Oh, no! I'm not eating that shit but I bet we can find a few struggling newbies to gulp down a bunch of those fucks.

Charlie: You are so right. Let's go now to the poor bastard in Illinois we found to tell everybody they taste like chicken or asparagus or some shit like that.

Well, maybe it didn't go exactly like that on camera but behind the scenes I'm pretty sure that's how it went down.



Let's get back to some real news now. OK?

Something Fishy

I got home yesterday to find this sticker on my front door: I was a little skeptical of this statement especially considering the source (PETA) so I decided to do a little research and here are my findings:

Supporting Evidence:

• None

Contrary Evidence:

• Where were the fish when I needed help moving? Under water somewhere.
• Fish are delicious.
• Fish are full of omega 3 fatty acids.
• Fish eat other fish. They are even food for themselves!

Conclusions:

• Fish make really shitty friends.
• Fish are not only food but really good food.
• Dirty hippies love stickers.

All Hail The Secret!!!

I was reading the latest copy of The Nation on my way to work today (no, I'm not a communist) and there was an article about the most innovative self improvement book since How to Make Friends and Influence People; The Secret.

For those of you who don't know what the secret is, here's a brief synopsis. If you imagine something to be true hard enough, it will become fact. If I focus very hard on (I wrote "hard on") making gobs* of money, I will make gobs of money. That makes perfect sense doesn't it? The Secret's infallible logic will set you free and make all your dreams come true.

Most of you know all the basic stuff about The Secret because Oprah loves it. What you might not know is that The Secret also brings back the best parts of the EST (which evolved into the present Landmark Education) movement that made everybody perfect in the 70's and early 80's. What parts are those you ask? No matter what someone tells you about The Secret you should not pay attention to them. Got a skeptical spouse? Leave him/her because they are just an anchor around your neck. Your dreams aren't coming true? It's because there is something wrong with you. You aren't trying hard enough. You aren't positive enough. You don't believe enough.

What about all the bad stuff that happens to people all over the world? They haven't gotten The Secret yet. Katrina? No Secret. Tsunami? No secret. Little girl in Florida buried alive by a sex predator? Looks like someone didn't learn her Secret very well.

So keep smiling, America! You are truly wonderful beautiful people.**

*1 gob = $1 zillion
** So long as you have The Secret.

Jump Shot

A friend of mine at work came in this morning with a nasty scratch under his eye. He explained that he had gotten it playing basketball in Emmerson Park last night. The scratch led to a little pushing when one of the guys on his team got involved. Apparently, there were pre-existing tensions between other players that he and his friend were not aware of when they joined the game. A large fight broke out that went on for close to half an hour. My coworker and his pal had distanced themselves from the brawl. In the end, a gun was drawn and all involved dispersed into the neighborhood.

My co-worker and his friend were the only people remaining when the police finally showed up. He told his story and gave descriptions as best he could. The police accused my buddy of starting it since he had a cut under his eye. After a while they left rather disgusted by the police response.

Considering the "Don't Snitch" policy of many of the residents of this neighborhood, you'd think the police would be very happy to have a couple of guys that were willing to talk to them.

Allow Me To Be Fully Candid

From the AP: The Justice Department's former White House liaison denied Wednesday that she played a major role in the firings of U.S. attorneys last year and blamed Deputy Attorney General Paul McNulty for misleading Congress about the dismissals.

McNulty's explanation, on Feb. 6, "was incomplete or inaccurate in a number of respects," Monica Goodling told a packed House Judiciary Committee inquiry into the firings.

She added: "I believe the deputy was not fully candid."

Can we stop using terms like "not fully candid", "misleading statements" and "incomplete or inaccurate"? These motherfuckers are lying. McNulrty lied to congress. He committed purjury. Alberto Gonzales also lied to congress. He committed purjury. Why do people lie to congress? Because they probably did something illegal that they cannot recall. What is it? We may never know because they keep lying and for some reason we have yet to call them on it.

I am hoping that Godling dishes with the facts at some point since she has been given some protection from prosecution in exchange for her testimony. I am hoping but I kind of doubt it.

Also, when will Washington learn that having girls named Monica involved in politics is a recipe for disaster?

There's No Such A Thing As A Free Meal

I went out last week with a few people from work for dinner. I don't go out much as I am trying to save money so that I can buy a condo again next year. I hate renting.

Anyways, we were out and I ordered a few things and I think I spent way too much money considering the strict budget I have put myself on. I spent as much on myself as you would expect to pay for 3 people in an average restaurant. The food was fantastic but I felt guilty for the indulgence later.

I was going over my account on line today and realized that the charge for my dinner has yet to post to my account. I would expect a few days delay over a weekend but it's been over a week and still nothing. I called my friends and asked if they had been charged with my tab. They said no but that their bills had posted to their accounts. One person even uses the same bank I do.

I feel kind of guilty getting something for nothing even if I know the place we went to makes money hand over fist but still. I always worry that some poor waiter got stiffed cuz they fucked up the paperwork or that somebody else was charged for my meal. So even though I am making out at the bank, I am paying with my conscience. Stupid conscience.

Newt-ered Logic

A newt is a slimy little creature that secretes toxins from its skin. Newt Gingrich is a slimy little creature who secretes bullshit from his mouth. On Meet the Press today he repeatedly tried to make direct comparisons between the Iraq War and the American Revolution. If you'd like to watch this total load of shit check it out here.

Beautiful

Some beautiful noise for your weekend. Lay in the sun and smile while you enjoy the musical comforts of Blonde Redhead.

Wolfo-quitz

Bye-bye, Paulie. It was nice beating up on you but now you have to go. How is it that I have not found time to blog about your sorry ass more often? I mean, you were a grossly incompetent manager. Hell, in the Washington Post's article today, a friend of yours acknowledged that you were a smart guy but that you, "Couldn't run a 2 car funeral." That's your buddy saying that. You must have been a really serious fuck up and I missed out on some great blogging opportunites. Oh well. C'est la vie.

Maybe the reason I overlooked such a golden opportunity is that I spent too much time focusing on yer buddy over at the DoJ. He's way more inept at his job than you are. That is if you believe that he was hired to run the Justice Department in a fair and balanced matter and not to politicize the office to the point that it is a mockery. If you believe he was appointed to be a toadie for the White House, then he is doing a great job.

The real smack in the nuts is that this guy isn't going anywhere. If the Bush administration thought they had problems with Gonzo running things, just let Chuck Shumer and company decide who gets the office next. You think the Senate Judiciary Committee is putting the screws to the administration now? Just let Alberto resign and see what happens. Even if a special prosecutor is assigned to bring criminal charges against him, they'll keep the case in the courts til Bush's term ends.

Potluck Day

It's potluck day today at work. It's a day to get together and break bread with your coworkers. A day to get to know the folks in distant cubicles. A day to lie about how much you like Janine's potato salad and that Steve's corn dog bites aren't dry and hard at all. But most of all it is a day to let your hair down and tell stories about your boyfriend passing out drunk with his pants down and sporting a woody.

You see, there is a girl here who can't seem to stop saying and doing inappropriate things around the office. Since I have been here, she has had several mishaps. Here is a short list:

• Got wasted at last company get together and decided it would be funny to grab everybody's asses.
• Threw up outside above event on a very crowded street.
• Accidentally sent an email to everyone in the department asking if she could borrow a tampon.
• A picture of her flashing some guy at a bar was circulated throughout the office.
• Called a client with the name Bonner "Mr. Boner" repeatedly until he corrected her on the pronunciation.

I am not a person who is offended by any of this but I feel bad for her cuz she is never going to get promoted as long as she is at this company. Poor girl.

Link Buddies

A while back a person at another blog (you know who you are) offered to link to anyone who linked to him. I have since seen it on a few other blogs and think it is a good way to network with people. If anyone wants me to link to their blog just do the same for me and leave a comment. Then we'll be BFF.*



*BFF sounds dirty.

Alberto Gonzales Thinks He Is A Ninja

The Attorney General is at it again. The most recent line of shit? McNulty did it. That's right, the guy who resigned yesterday for reasons that have nothing to do with the firings of 8 US Attorneys and the resulting political fallout, is the one to blame for the poor handling of the firings. Also, the announcement of McNulty being at fault coming the day after he announced his resignation is pure coincidence.

The only possible explanation for Alberto to think the American people would believe this latest insult to our collective intelligence is simple. He thinks he's a ninja. He believes he can just throw down a smoke bomb and disappear before he gets skewered by Arlen Spectre and Chuck Leahy.

Watch out for those throwing stars on CSPAN during the next Judiciary Committee meeting on the subject.

Iced Espresso Shakes

I had to run a few errands before I went to the gym yesterday and decided to grab a little treat for myself. I thought, "Hey you're going to the gym to work it off. What's the big fuckin' deal?" So I go to Panera (I know it's lame but it was right there) and I get my self this espresso ice cream shake thingy. Drink in hand I head on out to finish my errands.

I have been laying off the caffeine lately so by the time I got to the gym I was feeling a little edgy. Actually, I was feeling like a meth addict. I worked out for about an hour but was still feeling energetic by the time I got to my usual stopping point. I decided to keep going. A half hour on the bike, another chest and shoulder press exercise. Why not hit the lat machine again?

It was at this point that I started to recall a story a friend of mine tells about doing a bunch of coke in high school and then doing arm curls in his room for hours trying to work it out of his system. He describes his inability to put down his atrophied arms in the morning as "looking like a T-Rex." I decide I better give it up for the day.

I walked home from Lakeview to Logan Square, cleaned my house, went grocery shopping, did laundry and finally started to feel normal at about half way through 60 Minutes. I was really glad because listening to Andy Rooney while tweekin' is probably dangerous. Seriously, my head would friggin' explode.

The Grant Miller Interview

The Benevolent and Honourable Site Master at Grant Miller Media
has seen fit to interview yours truly. After recently accusing him of plagiarism, I was a little concerned with how it would go. Thankfully, he didn't put the screws to me too hard.

GM: You lived/worked in DeKalb and seem to know many the same people I know
from there. But I'm unsure we've ever met in real life. Have we and I'm
just an asshole for forgetting?

MoF: We have probably met but I was a bartender at the Annex and there is a good chance that one or both of us were drunk at the time. Your pic looks vaguely familiar but boozin' don't make for good face recognizin'.

GM: You once commented that your dad was a drummer. If so, did he still want
to work? Or did he prefer just banging on the drum all day?

MoF: Aside from banging on his drums, my dad worked on growing his hair and
moustache. I have often described my dad as looking just like Derek Smalls from Spinal Tap. He also did a lot of laundry for his six filthy kids.

GM: Your TV has only two channels. One channel is all politics all the time.
The other is just cooking shows. What do you do?

MoF: I am a sales manager (yeah, I know it's boring). I used to cook at a
fancy ass resturant but after I got divorced I realized that I was not
going to build any mansions on a chef's salary. I headed back to the
office to avoid living in a refrigerator box in the alley. Of course, it
would be a Sub Zero box and the alley would be behind Bloomingdale's. I
got standards.

GM: You live in Chicago. Is Chicago a great city or the greatest city and
why?

MoF: I like to think it is the greatest city because I am vain and refuse to
believe my choice to live here could be anything but pure genious. When
the wind comes clipping off the lake in the middle of January I question my judgement a little. Then I get home and chow on some hot pierogi I bought from the Polish market up the street from me and everything is all better.

GM: Why should people read your blog?

MoF: Because work is boring and sometimes I am not. Also, I never post pictures of kittens or hamsters and dumb shit like that. Take that www.hamstersphoto.com! You suck!

If you would like to be interviewed by me, let me know

Mother's Day Matters

An inner argument between myself and my cynical prick self.

Me: What should we get mom for Mother's Day? Flowers? Chocolates? A spa day?

Cynical Prick Me: Ugh! Do we have to go through this every year? Mother's Day is a Hallmark holiday. It's a marketing ploy.

Me: But it's a great day to honor our moms and all the sacrifices they made to raise us.

CPM: Sacrifices? Maybe if that woman would have sacrificed 50 cents for a condom every once in a while she wouldn't have squeezed out more kids than they could afford to raise and we could have gone to college without joining the military.

Me: That's pretty harsh. She worked hard to try and make our house a home. She tried to guide us and teach us as best she could under the circumstances.

CPM: Under the circumstances... More like "under the influence." I guess she did a pretty good job when she wasn't high or drunk.

Me: She was a young mother who was married to a musician. She made mistakes and has done a lot since to make up for it.

CPM: Whatever. I am sick of arguing. What do you want to get her?

Me: Let's send a Visa gift card so she can use it on whatever she wants.

CPM: Fine. But it's not going be more than $50 and I get to write something smart assed on the card.

Me: Deal.

ChapStink

My lips are all dried out from the wind due to all the cycling I have been doing lately and I left my Carmex at home. I went down to the little store we have in our lobby and bought some chapstick. I thought it was just plain but when I got back to my ofice and opened it up I realized it is vanilla scent. STRONG vanilla scented. Now everything I eat tastes like cookies. Stupid ChapStick.

Hasseling The Hoff

A lot of people have been giving David Hasselhoff a hard time lately because of a video leaked by his estranged wife showing him lying on the floor trying to eat a sandwich and doing a bad job of it. I feel kind of bad for the guy. This is a personal and private matter that is really noone's business. This tape wasn't meant to be public domain. He should not feel embarassed by it.

He SHOULD feel embarassed by this one:

That is infinitely worse.

The Queen is Fed

GW: We are going to have one hell of a shindig in your honor tonight, Your Highness.

Liz: But Mr. President, shouldn't you be talking to the generals after one of the bloodiest weekends yet in Iraq?

GW: Nah. You see we got this surge goin' over there and I just know that because I decided to do it, it will work. I got a personal relationship with the Lord and he talks through... uh... I mean to me.

Liz: Really there's no need to make such a fuss over me.

GW: Look, Queenie, any time an irrelevant figurehead monarch comes to town, I feel obligated to drop a few mil of taxpayer's money on a gala white tie dinner. Ya got me? It's no problem whatsoever. Now tell me, how'd ya like the horsey races?

Liz: I was very distracted and saddened by the news reports of the terrible storms that tore through Kansas. Don't you think you should be on the phone making sure FEMA doesn't turn this into another terrible gaff like New Orleans?

GW: Never happen. These are white people we're talkin' about. White Kansans. These people still think I am doin' a bang up job in Iraq. Things get rough, I go down there make a little speech. Culture of life this. Terry Schiavo that. Support the troops! That place is like one big yellow ribbon magnet.

Liz: Right, right. I've got a similar arrangement with doll collecting suburban American women.

GW: Let's party.

What's Cookin' Volume 3

The Look: I am pretty sure that this is Lidia's home kitchen or someone in her family. It is pretty tight in there and not at all what you'd expect from a set. The fact that she has her family on all the time (especially the kids) and they seem really comfortable and know where everything is adds to that assumption.

The Cast: Lidia is the main character but she is often joined by her almost impossibly old mother, Erminia, who speaks little English and adds to that rich Italian family experience. Her son, Joe, comes on quite a bit as a wine expert and her daughter Tanya who assists when they travel to Italy and need to add a few history lessons. Her daughter-in-law, Deanna and her kids also help out around the kitchen.

Lidia herself is a cooking powerhouse. Unlike a few other female cooking show hosts, Lidia is definitely not on TV because of her looks. Although she is incredibly charming, one look at this balding, bear pawed grandmother and you know she is there to take care of business. I imagine her whacking Joe with a spoon when he fucks up.

What's Cookin': It's hardcore Italian/Italian-American. This lady makes everything from every region. Her heaviest influences seem to come from Emilia Romagna but she also loves Rome and has done a few shows that focus on Puglia where her family vacations quite frequently.

She uses bold flavors although she pushes Grana Padano (I think you might as well be grating wax on your food) a lot more than I'd like as they are a sponsor of the show. Her food is rich but well balanced and she knows how to use a fresh element of the cooked element to introduce multiple levels to dishes.

The food is very approachable and Lidia makes me happy cuz she don't measure a friggin' thing.

Problems With The Show: Lidia's biggest crutch is that she uses the food processor a lot. I don't own a food processor as I am one of those people who think if you want it done right you do it by hand. I assume that a lot of folks out in TV land don't have one either. Not because they are food snobs like me but rather because those things are friggin' expensive. I'd rather she and many other cooks showed people how to do things by hand.

Why I Watch: When I watch the show, I see the motherly cooking mentor I never had. My mom can't cook for shit and my dad only cooked on the weekends and didn't let anyone in the kitchen while he was at it.

George Tenet Hates History

So Tenet was on Meet The Press this morning and I thought he came off a lot less convincing than he was on 60 minutes last week. I am wavering on how complicit he was in developing a false case for the war in Iraq. Today, instead of coming off as an indignant man claiming to be scapegoated, he sounded more like he was trying to claim that everyone did their jobs but things just didn't come together the way they would have liked. He even went back to the old GOP stance that Clinton's administration knew about a lot of this stuff too. I worry that when all is said and done, even if he is telling the truth in his book, his credibility is for shit and therefor history will not be served well by it. Poor history.

What's Cookin' Volume 2

The Look: The set looks like someone's house but It is hard to tell if it is a real house or a convincing replica. It is French country design which is appropriate considering the host. Maybe it's Jacques' house. What do I know about it? I'm not a set designer. I'm just some dumb-ass Pollack in Chicago.

The Cast: Most of the time it's just Jacques but every once in a while he has an old chef buddy on the show and they poke fun at each other and tell inside jokes that they sometimes explain but not always. Somehow this makes the show more appealing.

Jacques has been around for something like a hundred years and has authored more books than Stephen King. That's serious clout. Also, he's French and (say what you will about the French) those fuckers can cook. They don't call the accepted rules for cooking "French Technique" for nothing.

What's Cookin': There's a lot of French influence in most of the recipes but Jacques has lived and worked in the US for a long time. He knows his audience so he makes recipes geared towards Americans. Also, he worked with Julia Child on books and TV shows and some of her tendency to thumb her nose at tradition in favor of convenience and tricks of the trade gained from years of cooking has rubbed off.

Though Julia's influence is apparent, he generally makes his dishes a bit healthier than she did. When he does put a big wad of butter in the pan he usually justifies it pretty well using the "all things in moderation" defense.

Problems With The Show: It's called "Fast Food My Way" and when Jacques cooks the dishes it does go pretty quick. A home cook needs to allow for a lot more prep time. When you work in a commercial kitchen for years, you get very fast at chopping, dicing and know how to multi-task in the kitchen without the wheels coming off the bus.

Also, less experienced cooks might get flustered by the fact that Jacques rarely measures anything. He (like many experienced cooks) does a lot of guestimating and uses measurements like "a handful" and "however many you like". At least he doesn't use the metric system. You can get written recipes on the show's website.

Why I Watch: He's a living legend of the culinary world. He won the James Beard lifetime achievement award in '05 for fuck's sake! Did YOU win a James Beard award recently? No, you didn't. So go get your knives and start chopping your mirepoix, rookie.

If You're Retarded, Please Raise Your Hand

This is the reason I will never vote for a Republican president. What a bunch of dipshits. Don't even get me started on the Roe v Wade question. Ugh!

What's Cookin' Vol. 1

I know I go on about politics quite a bit but when I'm not watching McLaughlin or Tim Russert, you can usually find me watching cooking shows. I also used to cook in a 4 star restaurant. As such, I consider myself a bit of an expert and decided I would critique some of the best and worst of the lot. Here goes...



The Look: Everyday Food is a PBS show that got its start a couple years ago on a simple/commercial kitchen set with the cast wearing different brightly colored sweaters. The production quality got a lot better this past year which would indicate to me that once the show got some traction they started sinking more loot into it. Now they film on a set that looks more like somebody's fancy ass house.

The Cast: The show has 5 hosts that share the spotlight. They are Lucinda Scala Quinn, Margot Olshan, Sarah Carey, John Barricelli and last (but most certainly not least) Allie Lewis.


I guess you could say I've got kind of a thing for Allie. I think that they are putting a little too much make up on the ladies since they gussied up the show but other than that she is pretty easy on the eyes.

The cast all work for Martha Stewart's magazine of the same name so they actually know how to cook quite well.

What's Cooking: The cast takes turns making meals that most people can produce in a short amount of time or with the least amount of trouble and simple techniques for the home cook. They try to and do a good job of using influences from lots of different cuisines. I have seen everything from Indian food to Thai to Russian. All made to be very accessible to home cooks.

Problems With The Show: It's a Martha Stewart production which has a couple of set backs. Everything looks a little too perfect and has that Martha feel that turns some people off. Also, it means that there's a whole lot of measuring going on. More experienced cooks (myself included) don't like measuring things or timers and shit like that. We season to taste and cook it until it's done.

Why I watch: Although I don't take to all the measuring to well, I get some good ideas for recipes from the show. Also, pretty girls in Aprons are hot.

The Other Stamp

Watching Bush try to justify his veto and blame it all on partisan politics is such bullshit. He says, "It makes no sense to tell your enemy when you plan on withdrawing." We want to tell the Iraqis when we plan on withdrawing so they can get their shit together, asshole.

He says, "Setting a date for withdrawal is setting a date for failure and that would be irresponsible." He set a date for failure the day his administration chose to completely destroy the Iraqi infrastructure and through de-Baathification prevented the people who actually knew how to run shit from running shit. Talk about irresponsible. We didn't even try that shit with Nazi Germany. We understood that people belonged to the party because not to do so would be stupid.

He accused the Dems of putting in a lot of pork in the bill. This fucker has vetoed 2 bills his entire time as president and NOW he decides that he is against pork. Total bullshit!

Then he lied blatantly about the violence (sectarian) dying down and that it is all Al Qaeda doing the killing but not Iraqis who want us to get the fuck out. So even though violence is way up he is making claims that it is way down. I have never heard such utter crap. Bush, we do not believe that Al Qaeda and Iraq had anything to do with each other until you fought to take us to a war under false pretenses and then destroyed the country's ability to manage itself.

I am so fucking sick of this shit. Politically this is gold for my team but politicizing a war is always bad news. The Rs are going down if they stick to their guns on this and they're gonna figure that out real soon. I wish they would come to their senses and start bringing our boys home.

If it was his intention to piss off just about everybody... Mission Accomplished.