Debate Debate

Democratic Candidates are set to debate tonight once again. I have to say that I am a little disappointed that everybody's favorite shouting old man, Mike Gravel, will not be in attendance tonight. I imagine that I'll be able ba bale to hear him shouting at his television from wherever he is anyhow.

Since the comic relief is gone, I think it's about time that we start narrowing the field even more so that the candidates can actually debate instead of just answer questions from the moderator. I'd like to see no more than 4 or 5 people on stage. Those should be Obama, Richardson, Edwards, Clinton and Biden. I know a lot of people like Kucinich even though they know he can't win. I actaully agree with much of what he says but I am a far left progressive whack job.

Anyways, I hope there is some meaningful discussion tonight. I predict that Hillary will get pissed and show her condescending side tonight. She has done it a few times at town hall style meetings where she has tried to shout down detractors. When she finally shows it on national TV, her numbers are gonna tank big time.

David Horrorwitz

I know the video is a little on the long side but if you watch the whole thing you'll get an idea of why I think this guy is such an asshole. He is the worst kind of biggot. He is a biggot who does not realize that he is a biggot. He takes the position that eveyone is out to get him and people like him in order to justify attacking anyone who disagrees with his hateful views.

Now We've Got More Time For Andy To Babble

When Sarkozy walked out because he was obvioulsy upset about his marriage coming apart, I felt kind of bad for him. However, it didn't seem very presidential to just walk off. Of course, he has been unpresidential in front of the cameras before as seen here at a press briefing at the G8 summit.



The French do love their wine.

You're Probably Gonna Want To Bump Your Head Real Hard Before Showtime

Comedian Demtri Martin once said, "I think the best part about being stupid is that it makes magic way better." Retards are gonna LOVE this show.

How To Piss Off The Russians

The GOPs push to put US missiles back in eastern Europe as well as all the chest pounding over Iran is going to push Russia into a position where they will be obligated to defend Iran. Russians do not believe there is any evidence that they are pursuing anything other than a peaceful nuclear program that Dana here claims the White House supports. This lies in direct contradiction by Dick Cheney where he stated that taking military action against Iran to ensure that they do not acquire a nuclear weapon should be done sooner rather than later.

Conservative Josh Muravchik (tool of the extremist Israeli agenda and psycho neo-con) have indicated that military action might be conducted some time before the election next year.

The argument that we should start a war with Iran because we don't know what they have know is fucking ridiculous. The "There is no alternative" argument is irresponsible and idiotic. These are arguments meant to increase a Western presence in the middle east. If we really were worried about terroists getting weapons taht can take out our allies in Europe, we would have bombed Pakistan and North Korea a long time ago.

These fanatics on the right (not all on the right) have an agenda that is to create a dominant western regime in that part of the world. It is disgusting. I am not a person hell bent on conspiracy theories but if you just listen to Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and their ilk you can hear those war drums beating and I am starting to see a very similar picture to the one that came before our invasion of Iraq.

Fuck.

An Open Letter To The Director Of NBC Programming

So far this season of The Office has been less than engrossing. It's hard to put my finger on but things aren't working for me. Here are a list of things I think you need to work on:

• There is no sexual tension on the show any more. Everyone seems to be in mutually fulfilling relationships. That's nice. Nice and boring. Pam and Jim need to break up immediately.
• Some of the plot lines have been a little over the top. Dwight's bizarre "Inn" episode was too odd to be believed.
• You are telling us too much about what happens outside of the office. The great thing about work stories is that you have no idea what lies behind the quirks of your coworkers and speculating on it is funny.
• Peripheral characters are gettng too much air time. It seems like suddenly everybody wants to be the really funny one. Sometimes a good reaction shot is all that is needed to sell a bit. The confessional booth reactions where they tell everybody why the joke is funny is unnecessary.
• Over all, it seems that you went and did way too much market resaerch trying to take a good show and increase its appeal. Actually, your marketing, advertising and product placement have gotten way out of control this year. Don't even get me started on Heroes.
  

Republicans Love War

Except Ron Paul but he is actually a Libertarian.



I am guessing that the majority of the people in this audience are not joining the military any time soon and do not have kids serving in Iraq. Ron Paul gets booed for being thoughtful, caring and respecting the wishes of his constituents? What a crock of shit.

Also, plese don't show me any more messages of moms with dead kids who support the war to defend continuing the war. The "My kid died so you have to let more kids die to avenge his death." argument is a total crock of shit. I understand that there are grieving mothers out there who have been sold on the idea that if we don't continue the war then her son died for nothing. They were sold a lie. Their sons died for their country. They did what was asked of them and they marched off to war and fought the way a good soldier does. They upheld their part of the deal. They took responsibility for the contract they signed with their country. We need to be responsible to them now and get them the fuck out of Iraq.

New Greatest Generation

I don't know if any body else was paying attention when the above phrase started getting floated around pretty heavily a few weeks ago in reference to our troops. I remember feeling like it was just part of the Petraeus report and 9/11 anniversary campaign to drum up support for the war. I wasn't sure of it but now that that ad campaign seems to have imploded noone seems to be using it anymore. I have to say that it sounded kind of odd and it turned me off when I first heard it. I'm pretty glad they dumped it. I am pretty sure that Rs thought the Ds would say something against the slogan and then jump all over them for belittling our troops actions. I guess the bait didn't take so they hauled in their lines and decided to go fishing somewhere else.

At Least You're Pretty

I have read reports over the past several days that no substantive mid-east peace conference will occur any time soon. Why then does Dana make it sound like Connie's trip was successful and that a meeting will occur soon?

Pakistan is a "moderate Islamic state?" Are you fucking kidding me? The place is crawling with Taliban and Al Qaeda. A lot of people believe that they are providing a safe haven for none other than Osama Bin Laden. Wait, you're right, Dana. It's totally moderate.

The duck hunting remark at the end was pretty funny.

Bush Shit

Why is it that each time I watch this guy try and struggle through a press conference I am still somehow surprised how inept he is. You'd think that he might read the paper the morning before he holds a news conference and I'mm not just talking about Garfield.

Let's break this shit down. Bragging about his veto seems like a pretty good place to start. Doesn't he realize that vetoing the SCHIP bill was an extremely unpopular thing to do? What a friggin' numb nuts. How can he claim that the white house "wasn't dialed in"? Gah.

His comments on Putin's visit to Iran seem very uninformed at best. I was aware of Putin's comments yesterday. Shouldn't the fucking president of the United States have a little more knowledge of world events than me?

Of all the losers you could choose to back right now, I think Blackwater is pretty close to being a completely indefensible choice. In his comments you'd think that he was talking about service men and women instead of out of control mercenaries.

Earlier in the conference he mentioned that the resolution to recognize the Armenian genocide was an unnecessary and ill advised move that would hurt our relations with Turkey. Today the president met with the Dalai Lama and totally pissed off the Chinese. What a friggin' joke.

Finally, if he has never before felt more engaged, he must have been a cmoplete absentee landlord for the 6 and a half years.

Cheney's Law

Frontline ran a fantastic piece last night about Cheney and his fanatical views in regards to what he believes should be nearly unlimited powers of the presidency. If you missed it you can watch the whole thing on their website: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/

I Can Hardly Sit Still

Larry Craig's entire interview with Matt Lauer will air on NBC tonight at 7 central. I will be camped out in front of my TV practicing my wide stance. It's gonna be awesome! Here's a taste:



In related news, many political shows that I watch have been asking the question, "Why did the GOP abandon this guy so fast?" I think it's because they knew he was gay for a along time and when he got caught they had already long ago decided how they were going to react. There have been rumors about Craig being gay for years.

Another question that has come up several times is, "Why do they abandon Craig and yet Vitter gets away with it?" That answer is quite simple. Craig comes from a state with a republican governor who would appoint a GOP replacement. Louisiana has a democrat governor who would replace Vitter with a democrat. The GOP is not going to call for the head of Vitter regardless of how many whores he gets caught up with.

I gotta get to the store for snacks for tonight's show. I'll post on the festivities tomorrow.

I Almost Bought It

Lynne Cheney was on The Daily Show the other night and I was really starting to think that she was a charming lady and perhaps she and her husband are regular people who are not absolute neocon ideologues who will do anything to advance their cause. I felt that way right up until the very end of this interview. Please watch the til the end and then watch her speedy exit.



She obviously could not wait to get the fuck out of there. I don't know why. Jon went very easy on her. He could have really laid into her if he wanted to. He did not treat her as a spokesperson for her husband as much as he could have even though the content of her new book obviously is intended to humanize her husband. She should have been very grateful that he didn't call her on her bullshit when she started spewing GOP talkng points near the end of the interview.

A Deer In The Headlights

Dana Perino may be the worst press secretary ever. Here she is yesterday in a press briefing discussing the Armenian genocide issue and FISA:



She takes a quote from the president's message on April 24th but later when she she is asked whether or not Bush characterizes the slaughter as genocide she claims that she hasn't read all the presidential messages. Hello? You just read an excerpt from the message. It's not that long:

Today marks the anniversary of a horrible tragedy, the mass killings and forced exile of countless Armenians in the final days of the Ottoman Empire. Many Armenians refer to these appalling events as the "great calamity," reflecting a deep sorrow that continues to haunt them and their neighbors, the Turkish people. The suffering that befell the Armenian people in 1915 is a tragedy for all humanity, which the world should not forget. I join the Armenian-American community and Armenians around the world in mourning the horrendous loss of life.

I also salute our wise and bold friends from Armenia and Turkey who are coming together in a spirit of reconciliation to consider these events and their significance. I applaud them for rising above bitterness, and taking action to create a better future. I wish them success, building on their recent and significant achievements, as they work together in a spirit of hope and understanding.

As we remember those who perished and suffered, we salute the nation of Armenia, and Armenians everywhere. The United States is grateful for the contributions of Armenian Americans to our national life. Generations of Armenians have employed wisdom, courage, and centuries-old traditions to overcome great suffering and enrich their adopted American homeland.

The United States is proud to be a friend of Armenia, a young state with an ancient heritage. We are deepening our partnership to help achieve a secure, prosperous, and dignified future for the citizens of Armenia. The United States is committed to achieving a just and lasting settlement to the Nagorno-Karabakh conflict. We will also continue to help Armenia as it strives to strengthen its democracy and market economy.

On behalf of the American people, I send solemn wishes to the Armenian people on this day of remembrance. Our nations stand together, determined to create a future of peace, prosperity, and freedom for the citizens of our countries, for our regions, and for the world.

GEORGE W. BUSH

Not exactly holding Turkey's feet to the fire.

Later when discussing FISA I could not believe that the president wants retroactive and continuing protection for "companies that are believed to have helped the nation after September 11." This is obviously in regards to ATT allowing the feds to monitor all calls both domestic and international as well as others who complied with NSLs that have recently been found to be over stretching their bounds. What a crock of shit.

Is This Really The Best They Can Do?

Barack has been criticized for not running a conventional campaign because that is his intent and part of his message. Why doesn't he smear Hillary? He just points out his strengths which shine light on her weakness. Is America ready for a black president? Why not ask whether or not America is ready for another stupid white guy? The GOP can't seem to come up with anything that sticks so they decided to attack his wardrobe. Here's Stephen Colbert's take on the situation:



"I'm wondering what the real message is behind him taking off that pin." Are you fucking kidding me? He just told you. What else could it possibly mean? This got a lot of play on lots of other networks other than FOX too. All on shows where they seem to be handing the nomination to Hillary.

I get queezy every time a right-wing pundit attacks Barack and coronates Hillary. Not only do I not think she can win but also that she just represents the same old shit. The fundraiser at which she invited all of K Street and sat them down with committeemen and women to voice their cause and her defense of lobbyists kind of makes me sick.

You know why Hillary will never remove troops from the Middle East? Cuz she takes money from AIPAC. A lot of money. So does everybody else except Barack and Roberts who both swore not to accept money from PACs. That says a lot about the character of these 2 men. However, Roberts has elected to accept matching federal funds for his campaign which means he will have very little money to spend on the general election. That's why the only real, intelligent choice is Barack Obama. I shouldn't have to mention his appeal to those who want change and his ability to unite people. My mom is a total out there right winger and she is considering voting for him.

Let's drop all this "Inevitability of Hillary" crap and get to work making a real argument for a candidate that can and will win.

The Larry Doth Protest Too Much

Anybody else think his preemptive denial might have been a foreshadowing of things to come?

Every Body Needs A Little Insulin

Remember the old days when fried stuff was good for you? Good times.

I love fried chicken but rarely eat it on account of I'd like to live past 40 but I get cravings. I make a damn fine fried chicken myself but getting all the stuff ready to cook for just one person is a pain in the ass. It's kind of a big production line and a big mess. Since I read that KFC doesn't use trans-fats any more, I bee-bopped down there to get some vittles*.

I got a three piece dark with mashed and a biscuit. They had just put the chicken down so I had to wait for a while. While I waited I noticed that they have a new size soda. A half gallon. It comes in what looks like a small chicken bucket but with Pepsi written all over it. That's when I noticed the "Nutritional Facts" poster over behind a promotional "standy" for their "Bowl Meals".

On the poster they only list a medium soda which is 14 ounces and has 180 calories. I couldn't even find mention of any other size. Doing some quick math I figured that 64 ounces in a half gallon comes out to be 5.5 times that size and has a whopping 990 calories. Holy shit! Now that's some serious sugar rush. You can almost taste the diabetes.

Since the ad was right there, I decided to look up the Chicken and Biscuit Bowl. It has 870 calories. The calculations I made for my 3 piece meal came out to 1120 calories and enough fat to go over my RDA in one meal.

When my meal finally came I sat and ate it with a Diet Pepsi and read the Onion at my table. I tried to forget what kinds of poison I was shovelling into my face, all the while promising to do a few more crunches at the gym and pedal my bike with a little more gusto.

*That's hillbilly talk for dinner.

Osama Bin Leakin'

According to an article in the Washington Post today, the most recent Osama Bin Laden tape was leaked to the press prematurely by someone within the White House. The SITE intelligence group had acquired a copy of the video and released it to the Bush administration on the condition that they not release it prior to Al Qaeda's release expected weeks later. The founder of the company says the disclosure tipped Al Qaeda to a security breach and destroyed a surveillance operation the company has used to collect messages, videos and warnings of bombings from the terrorist group's communications network.

The fact that the leak occurred so rapidly after the acquisition by White House officials leads me to wonder who and why the decision was made. I have a theory that the rapidly approaching 9/11 anniversary, General Petraeus' speech before congress and images of Osama were all used to try and drum up support for the war effort. Last time I checked, the war is just as unpopular as it was a few weeks ago. I hope that the administration feels it was worth ruining a valuable resource for the real war on terror in order to take the heat off themselves for a few minutes.

Republican Racism

When he talks about the risks outweighing the rewards I think, "What is the downside of going and appearing to not be a racist?" The answer is that a large block of republican primary voters ARE racists. That doesn't mean the candidates who didn't show up are racist but they are very aware that many of their constituents are. Makes me feel kind of sick to my stomach.

Childrens Do Learn

Sometimes he just makes it too easy.

Overkillary

I like my Sunday morning politics shows. Hillary was on ALL of them. She said the same things on ALL of them. I can't stand her brand of rambling refusal to answer questions directly and ham fisted manipulation of debates to stick only to her talking points. It's irritating and when she laughs off questions it comes off as condescending. She cannot win a general election folks. Let's get it together and get behind an Obama/Biden ticket. Doesn't it bother anyone that all the conservative pundits are treating her as if she already won the nomination? They want to run against her. It's their only hope.

Boston Police

Yesterday an MIT student was arrested for wearing what local police believed was a bomb strapped to her chest. It turned out that the student (an electronics engineering student) had made the shirt as a kind of nerdy joke for the friend she was picking up at the airport. Once I saw the device I asked myself, "How could anyone mistake this for a bomb?" This paired with the Aqua Teen Hunger Force fiasco last year leads me to believe that any time the Boston Police encounter a scrap of an old Atari 2600 the bomb squad will be called out. Good work Boston's finest.

Library Shenanigans

My computer crapped out on me recently so from time to time I have been getting on the interwebs down at the local library. I had no idea that the library was home to the craziest people in Chicago. I have seen and heard some crazy shit in the last week. Here are a few examples:

• Man watching porn on the internet. Apparently the library chooses not to ban such activity due to fears of other types of censorship. Creepy.
• Woman's phone starts ringing. Instead of fumbling for it and turning it off, she freaks out. "Fucking shit! Why these mothafuckas gots to be calling me now? They know I be at the library!", she shouts and then TAKES the call. A long argument with a person I assume is her daughter follows.
• Man approaches me and asks if I can help him with his email. I tried to be a good neighbor and help him but when trying to set up a Gmail account for him he gets all bent out of shape because he doesn't want to give me any information or ask him any questions. He asks librarian for help and he later gets irate and is escorted from the building.
• Porn watcher guy takes bottle of lotion from bag and goes to the bathroom. Extra creepy.
• Mother of four children (at least that's how many she had with her) slaps 3 of them in single 20 minute visit to the library.
• Same crazy woman tries to enter library on 2 consecutive days but is escorted out. Woman pees on the floor of the lobby on second day.

That's all for now but I'll let you know how things progress. I'll probably be there for a while this weekend.

Shocking Revelation

The police totally overreacted to this kid's actions. Having said that, watching this self important spoiled asshole get zapped is satisfying on a a very base level that I am not proud of but can't resist expressing.

Turning My Brain Off

I was thinking about posting about OJ or Barack or Hillary or Craig or Greenspan but I finally just thought, "Fuck it. I'll just put up this stupid little video of the funniest commercial I've seen in years." So here it is:



Enjoy the rest of your day.

This Seems Fishy To Me

Considering all this went down at the same time that his book was being released, something about it seems to be a publicity stunt. Something about that smug look on his face makes me think that something is up.

Bush Is Not Afraid

White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said during the announcement of Bush's new AG nominee that the concerns of whether or not the senate would confirm him bore no weight on his decision. "The president has shown that he is not afraid of any fight," she said. This is such an enormous crock of shit that Bush spent the entire weekend assuring Republicans that he is "conservative enough" in private meetings and calls. Let the hearings begin.

This Is Why I Am For Obama

This man's ability to bring clarity to a given issue that is sensible, non-polarizing and uncomplicated. When he states that the removal of troops will reduce the anymosity towards the US throughout the middle east, he pushes a button in me that noone else does. I have been listening to Bush and the "they hate freedom" argument for years and I just can't take it anymore.

Idiots like Bush and Lieberman who want to keep us in the mid-east to "protect our interests" are setting us up for a war with Iran. Why? Oil and Israel. I know it's unpopular to say but the creation Israel was the single most disastrous and short sighted project the world ever took on. The fact that we backed the creation of a religious state and continue to show unwavering support for it is absolutely un-American.

I guess that second part was a bit of an off topic rant but sometimes a thought gets in there and I have to get it out there.

In Case You Missed It

I thought this was pretty funny especially when you consider that Petraeus turned out to be such a tool. Also, I can't believe that Crocker is in charge of anything. That guy is such a little mousy bitch that there is no way he can be effective. He complained on The News Hour last night that he has had problems creating a sense of urgency. I wonder why? Maybe because he is giant fucking pussy? Could be.

And This Guy Is Running The War

I was stunned by this comment. I interpret his stating "I don't know." as meaning "I can't say what I think without upsetting my chain of command." There is no way that a reasonably intelligent and considerate man could be involved in a war without asking himself this question as it has been the focus of heavy debate for the past 5 years. This man intends to keep us at war for as long as he is asked to without regard for whether or not it is in the best interest for our country. He is being a good soldier but not a good leader. That essentially means that his assessment of the effects of policy in Iraq are meaningless since he has no intent to try and direct policy.

Exactly What I Was Thinking

Note: I took down the embed from the Washington Post cuz it was making my blog all "clicky". You can dind it on their website if you want.

Senator Obama makes me proud with his remarks. His inference that having these hearings on and around 9/11 was intended to drum up more support for the war is dead on. Why don't more people see through this charade.

I am enjoying these debates more than I should but I just love watching Republicans try to make claims of progress look legitimate when it is total bullshit.

Helluva Weekend

I had quite full dance card this weekend with a few surprises. Had a nice time putting up signage for the Boulevard Lakefront Tour on Saturday morning followed by an Obama BBQ in the afternoon. Met some friends at German American Fest in Lincoln Square in the eraly evening and then headed for home after a quick stop at the grocery store. Then the shit hit the fan.

As I was nearing my building between 5 and 7 guys charged out of the alley and started hitting me. I dropped my groceries and did my best to cover up I was kicked repeatedly for what seemed like an eternity but was actually just about a minute. A few people on the street yelled for police and my assailants ran down the El entrance for a quick escape. I imagine they chose the site of the attack because it offered such a convenient escape route.

The police arrived a few minutes later and I gave a description of the one guy I got a good look at. I fully expect that noone will ever be caught and nothing will ever come of this except the bruises on my legs and my swollen jaw. I have a few cuts on my head from hitting the sidewalk.

I spent most of the day on Sunday at Hines VA hospital waiting to have my injuries checked out. My arm hurt so bad that I feared it was broken. Turns out it is not but it still hurts like a sum-bitch.

Who Needs Ambien?

Fred Thompson made an appearance on The Tonight Show this past week and after months of speculation he has decided to put us all to f'n sleep. This guy is a giant sleeping pill. I usually turn on golf when I want to take a nap on Sunday afternoons but now I have another great choice for a sleep aid. Thank you, Fred. Yer the best.

Larry Craig Makes My Dreams Come True

The above I posted mostly for my own entertainment. I can't stop watching it.

Recent reports suggest that Larry Craig is reconsidering his decision to resign from the Senate at the end of the month and may try to overturn his guilty plea and fight his conviction. I could not be happier. What I thought would simply be a week or so of potty jokes may now turn out to provide months of non-stop entertainment. Thank you, Larry. You have given me an early birthday present.

Gay Old Pachiderms

Warner is retiring after this term. Tony Snow, Gonzo and Rover are all resigning. Looks like the GOP has decided to pack it in in many cases and let someone else deal with all this shit. The Rs must be really thankful that the heat of summer is almost behind them.

Fall Political Predictions:

1. Senator Craig will resign before the weekend is out. I guess this is still a summer prediction technically.
2. Reid will start playing ball with Republicans when it comes to troop withdrawal guidelines.
3. Another scandal will soon come to light revealing things about some of the folks who resigned. I say this because after a bunch of folks bailed out at Justice the whole US Attorneys fiasco broke.
4. Fred Thompson will enter the race and go on the offensive against Giuliani. He will drop out in early January and throw his support to Romney.

I am sure I'll be claiming to have misspoke about these in a few months but the chance to gloat if I am right is just too tempting. Besides, this is the internet and I can edit this shit later.

Thompson Gets Into The Race With A Bang

Fred Thompson will announce that he plans to enter the race for the White House today after months of speculation. Unlike many candidates who make their announcements in large public spectacles to the cheers of thousands and receive incredible amounts of free press coverage, Thompson will make his announcement to a few hundred close supporters via a conference call.

I, for one, applaud this ballsy choice to make his announcement. Nothing tells me a candidate is determined and excited about becoming the next president like sitting in a conference room thousands of miles away from him staring at a black box with the mute button on. You can feel the excitement coming down the wire. It also engages the imagination. What is he weraing? Where is he calling from? What's the weather like there? Does he have pants on? Who knows?! He could be playing a game of smiles in a Philipino brothel for all we know. It's all so exciting.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to reserve the third floor conference room for today's announcement.

Gone-zales II - Electric Boogaloo

AP reports today indicate that the Office of the Inspector General (OIG) responded to a request by Patrick Leahy to investigate whether or not Gonzo made misleading or inappropriate statements to congress, Inspector General Glenn A. Fine stated, "The OIG has ongoing investigations that relate to most of the subjects addressed by the attorney general's testimony that you identified."

I am almost certain that the timing of this announcement was such as to allow Fredo a few days to pack his bags and get out of town before the shit hit the fan.

Gone-zales

It apperas that Gonzo finally got sick of being Chuck Schumer's favorite punching bag and decided to quit. I was floored. Halfway through the announcement I expected him to say, "Did I say resign? I'm sorry. I misspoke."

Bush seemed very disappointed in his response to the news. I don't blame him. After standing by his incompetent ass for nearly 6 months of non-stop scandals, I fully would have expected the little bastard to stick around.

There's been a lot of speculation as to who will take over as AG. I hope it's not Chertoff. Although very competent, I'd rather see some altogether new faces over at Justice.

A Conversation With My Friend's Dog That Is Moving To Los Angeles

Me: Who's a good girl? Who's a good girl?

Bianca: Woof!

Me: Who wants a biscuit? Who wants a biscuit?

Bianca: Woof!

Me: You're moving to LA in a few weeks and I am gonna miss you. Yer the best dog I ever get to play with, lady! Yer panting a lot. You want an ice cube, girl?

Bianca: (quizzical look)

Me: OK. Here's an ice cube. That'll cool you off. When you get to Los Angeles, you're gonna need a lot more ice cubes. It's warm there all the time. That's why everybody there is skinny. It's too hot to be fat. Yer gonna have to lose some weight. You can only be fat in LA if you are playing the catcher in a kid's baseball movie or goalie in a hockey movie.

Bianca: (sniffs crotch)

Me: Ya know, like in that movie about the Ducks and the Sand Lot? After that, you gotta get buff and be a C-lister like Jerry O'Conell or pack it in. You can't be doing the truffle shuffle and expect anyone to take you seriously unless you're really skinny.

Bianca: Owwwrrrrr.

Me: Exactly. Do you think Christian Bale would have done any fucking thing after Newsies unless he got really skinny and totally ripped? Hell No! He's got weird teeth and an odd accent.

Bianca: Shut the fuck up.

Me: I want a biscuit.

More On Infrastructure And Shit

Ahem. Rant coming.

G-Bushy and the Republicants (I sometimes spell this with a U) have decided that it is more important to fund the war and not raise taxes than it is to repair the nation's roads and bridges as well as other infrastructure projects. This is a Libertarian like argument and it really pisses me off. They expect that federal projects can build roads and then leave them to the states to maintain. It's such ridiculous bullshit since the division of wealth from state to state is vastly varying. Taxes provide funding for infrastructure projects that create jobs. Estimates say that for every billion that goes into an infrastructure project, 40,000 jobs are created. Why would anyone argue against it? Because we are a nation of children who want everything but want someone else to pay for it. I am not a rich man and I would rather pay more in taxes than have another person die because a levy breaks or another bridge falls.

I Love The Internets

This show was canceled after myriad complaints from PETA and other animal rights groups but I can still watch the oh so wrong footage thanks to the interwebs. Enjoy the following clip for all the wrong reasons:



I feel dirty. Here's another. The commentary is priceless.

I Was Going To See Superbad

TThen I read the review of The Bratz movie and decided I should go see what is being reviewed as "the worst movie of the year" and "I can't believe it was even released in theaters." How can I pass up an opportunity to see such a god awful disaster? If you want to meet up, I'll be the only non-retarded male over the age of 7 sitting in the back.

Mind Nam-ing

In a speech in front of a VFW convention yesterday G-Dubs made direct comparisons with Vietnam to the war in Iraq. If I had a jug with "XXX" printed on it, I would have done a double take and tossed over my shoulder. You see, a few years back when Kennedy was using such comparisons to criticize Bush's handling of the war he said that statements like that were preposterous and that the suggestion "emboldened our enemies." Well, I guess he can consider them good and emboldened. now.

Rove Not Exactly Getting Grilled

Karl Rove was on Meet The Press yesterday and it was a huge snooze fest. I was more than a little put off by it. Where the hell was Russert? I was hoping for him to be all over him about the Plame leak but instead we were treated to David Gregory boring the shit out of us. Blech.

The War On Tehran-ism?*

The White House recently decided to designate Iran's Revolutionary Guard Corps (basically a branch of the Iranian army) as a terrorist organization. Am I the only person who is a little worried about this shit?

*In the event we go to war with Iran, CNN is going to have to pay through the nose to use this title.

Who Wouldn't Want To Take This Stuff?

I used to have an odd sensation in my legs that made it hard to get to sleep sometimes. Doctors call it Restless Leg Syndrome or RLS. Then my doctor recommended Mirapex and life has been great ever since. I no longer have those annoying urges to move when I want to relax. It's great but the benefits don't stop there. Here's a brief list of the other benefits:

• Falling asleep while driving makes boring road trips go by much faster.
• Standing up is like stepping off a merry-go-round. Weeeee!
• My earning potential is sure to take off with my new found interest in gambling.
• It's entertaining to watch my sex partners walk funny.

Karl Rove Resigns

When I first read this headline it was pretty early this morning and I thought it said "Karl Rove Re-signs." I was like, "Holy shit! What kind of contract did they give him?"



At the end he thanked God for his continued strength and guidance. The Almighty's spokesman had no comment on God's involvement with the administration.

Kind of glad he is gone but at this point there was little that this administration can accomplish as Bush is a lame duck. His absence means very little. Perhaps it will aid in other investigations as the argument for executive privilege becomes less viable in court but GW's term will be over by the time those decisions are made.

Bill Richardson Is Not A Scientist

Bill is seen here struggling with a question that a lot people have a hard time with and doing a very bad job of answering it. I don't think he is against homosexuality necessarily but he is reluctant to commit to the notion that someone is born gay. I would guess that as a Hispanic Catholic he feels the need to support the views of his church and community. To be fair, it is a loaded question that basically is looking for him to say something he doesn't believe even though his personal opinion might not necessarily direct his style of governing.

I have had many long discussions on this topic especially when I was studying anthropology in school. I even considered writing my thesis on the topic but the kind of studies needed to make my argument were not readily available at the time and I could not afford to pay for such a massive project. My theory on the subject is still valid even if I cannot provide concrete evidence at thtis time.

I do think that gay people are born gay. We are all born with certain predetermined talents and inclinations in a variety of things. Some people are born with gifts for athletics. Some are born with a knack for music or the arts and some people are born who will eventually have sexual feelings for members of their own sex. Some of these things are genetic and others are controlled by development. I believe that sexuality is a function of the latter.

It doesn't make sense that homosexuality would be passed along via genes. I make this assertion because gay people cannot have children. Over time the gene for homosexuality would have been selected against and would have died out. Sure, a few people who denied their true selves due to social constraints would have married and had children here and there but that would have been rare.

What's more probable is that during the embryo's development, factors such as hormonal exposure, temperature, diet and other things contribute to the child's sexuality. Hormones especially play a huge role in development. There have been some incredibly accurate predictors for a child's athletic ability that are directly related to the mother's testosterone levels during pregnancy. In males, there is a direct link between the percentage difference in length between the ring and index fingers that contributes to the average man's muscle composition. Testosterone levels during development have been proven to directly affect this equation. I think that these same types of factors are what decide a child's sexual preference as well as many other social characteristics.

At the end of the day, I think that Bill and I have very different ideas about how one becomes a homosexual but I think that we'd both agree that gays have the same rights as everyone else. Notice I don't say, "should have." They already have them. They were born with them but as of this day many of us have chosen not to recognize them.

Kind of Embarassed

I watched the AFL/CIO Democratic debate tonight and felt like a total dingus as a Chicagoan. People were shouting out only when they thought or knew they were on camera. They were standing up behind Keith Olberman and those asking questions to do their "I'm on TV" dance and hooting any time they were within earshot of a mic.

What a bunch of pathetic losers the AFL/CIO is if they put total numb-nuts and dumb-asses in the best seats. A bunch of schmoes who stand up and show their T-shirts every time they try to get a reaction shot from Jesse Jackson are not the folks I would have represent me. Were they tailgating all day? What a mess. I am insulted as a Democrat. I am not surprised as a one time union member.

I was always disappointed by my union brothers when it came to being civilized. I got my car hit with a brick after I left a meeting on the union's behalf by a union member. He shouted the word, "SCAB/Nigger!", as he lobbed it at my car. I was union, white and not a racist so I was extra pissed off when I got out and went after that asshole. Fuck the union! You put a dent in my hood! OK, now I'm just venting.

In any case, I was disappointed in the debate. Even though the field has been narrowed to 7, we cannot have a real debate just yet since everyone is bound by timing and responses if they are brought to task. A few times there were statements where someone had a deep and meaningful point but the audience did not get it. When O'Bama re-questioned Clinton about commenting on foreign policy, she basically said that a president doesn't tell the American public what is going on. There was a brief boo and then it kept going.

Later, it got more odd. Seeing as they had an immediate audience that was more concerned with getting their T-Shirt on TV, the folks who asked questions from the audience were rarely treated like people by the panel. Joe Biden seemed especially angry in returning a certain question. He decided to answer a previous question and really pissed off the lady from the AFL/CIO who had recently lost a loved one. He seemed angry for almost the rest of the debate until he tried to use his one word answer again to lighten the mood.

After the whole thing was done, I got the feeling that Clinton and Dodd had made a pact. That ticket is probably in the works. Obama was a little too descriptive of his position. He should have kept it short and sweet. He is the man for change. Being verbose and boring is going to lose voters.

Kucinich made me happy. He made me think of all the liberals like myself who have married women too hot for them. He reminded me of my ideal and cynical self at the same time. He kicked ass with every person there who doesn't vote. It pisses me off that voting for him might lead to a Hillary nomination.

Uhhh.. Yea. I don't think she can win in the general election. Do I have to push an Obama/Kucinich bill to be totally isolated? Fuck.

Infrastructure and Shit

Let me first say that I deeply sympathize with the friends and families of those who were lost in the recent bridge collapse in Minneapolis. I hope that they can take some comfort knowing that the country is thinking of them and wishing them well. That said, I am glad it happened.

Sometimes it takes a tragedy to focus on a problem that we would otherwise ignore. We needed a wake up call to focus on a huge problem. Our current president has decreased taxes and cut funding to every program except the war in Iraq for the past 61/2 years. That means ignoring the federal government's obligation to maintain the national highway system. Some intrastate roadways here in Illinois have been under a constant state of repair since I was born. Route 80 ran right by the small town I grew up in and I have never had a trip on it in my life where I didn't see some sort of repairs going on. These repairs are generally paid for by the state and so the standard for how the roads are engineered fall to the states that dump money into repairing these roadways. As such, their have been lots of mistakes and underfunding of these projects for decades. I think that creating a national infrastructure commission that would direct the efforts of the states (if not take the helm and the responsibility of maintaining national roadways from states) that would be paid for by a national tax on gasoline is in order.

As unpopular as it sounds, America needs to start facing the fact that we need to pay for the things we have and want. We cannot keep cutting taxes and expect the bridges, dams, canals and other public facilities to hold up forever. It's just not practical. Americans are so afraid of taxes that they fail to think of the massive benefits we can reap from public works projects. FDR's public works programs employed hundreds of thousands while repairing our economy. History tells us that with sacrifice comes great rewards. Our country has forgotten that to a great degree.

Why do we walk down the street and see something broken and ask, "Why doesn't somebody fix that?" Then we walk on down past the plastic bags blowing through the streets and let our dogs shit in our neighbors yards. We should be asking ourselves, "What can I do to fix this?" I try to do something for my neighborhood whenever I can and I think that all of us together can do something great for this country if we just took responsibility for it. Let's stop waiting for someone else to fix everything and get our fat asses back on track.

Tom Skilling Must Pay

It was hovering around 92 in my hood today. Tomorrow it's expected to be around 95 AND it's gonna finally get humid out. Maybe Tom isn't actually responsible for the weather but I don't give a shit. As far as I'm concerned, he adopted responsibility when he graduated from meteorologist school. Also, his brother is that crooked Enron guy. Those Skilling kids can't be trusted.

Parenting Tips For Maury Povich Guests

If there is one thing I can always count on it's Maury Povich to bring the worst people on earth together for a lunch time filled with "You gotta be shitting me moments." Today he featured out of control teens who terrorize their passive parents. So they bring these folks on the show and the parents cry and the girls say, "Wha'eva!", over and over again and we all worry that the country is doomed to become populated by morons who love to have lots of kids. I have the solution.

Many of you may have heard of the "Time Out" or TO technique of parenting. This technique seems to work with non-brain damaged children between 1 and 10. A misbehaving child is told to take a "Time Out" and is sent to predetermined location to ponder their actions. Often, the child will become calm and actually learn to avoid TOs by acting properly. In some more incorrigible children, more extreme methods may be needed. That's where my technique comes in.

I recommend using the "Lights Out" method on the kids who appear on Maury. The Lights Out technique is implemented by denying the child of consciousness through a variety of techniques. Kid is selling drugs? Taser. Kid threatens you with a bat? Blunt instrument to the base of the skull. Kids a prostitute? Tranquilizer dart. It's just that easy! If you want further information on the Lights Out (aka KO) technique, let me know.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a paternity test coming up that I am really interested in.

Bad Medicine

I don't usually watch Dateline as it is generally some of the shittiest, fear mongering journalism on TV. Tonight I was flipping through and the topic caught my interest. I had just finished watching 60 Minutes and their report on pharmaceutical lobbying. Dateline had taken the night off from entrapping pedophiles to run a report on fake drug manufacturing. I had watched a program on this same subject on another program a few weeks ago. As such, I decided to watch.

Now, manufacturing fake medicines can be very dangerous but the experts here in the states they kept interviewing were people who would benefit most from people being frightened to death by fake meds. Who's that? Fucking Pfizer! You see, in the program I watched a few weeks ago, the reporter noted that any respectable pharmacist could easily spot a phony bunch of drugs. In fact that other program noted that unless the pharmacist was actually involved in the scam it would be hard to distribute such pills. I am getting more and more skeptical of the experts as the program goes on.

Near the end of the program, Pfizer marches out the answer. A system that puts a computer chip in each bottle to be able to more easily track the pills. You think that little gadget is going to pump up the cost of the pills? Hells yeah! You think Pfizer and friends are getting a big kick back from the manufacturer of that technology? Fuck yeah! And do you think there is a lobbyist in your representative's office right now trying to make it LAW that these chips be put on every fucking bottle of pills you buy? You got it right, MOTHAFUCKAZ!

Hope you like your drugs expensive and hard to get.

Bugs

I have been watching the pooch of a friend for the last few days and got back home last night. When I got home, there were a few fruit flies in my apartment. I thought maybe I had forgotten to empty the trash before I left. I looked in the can but there was nothing there. Just a few of them so I figured they just got in through the open window and they'd leave or die when they could find no free meal.

When I got up this morning, they were still buzzing around. They are kind of annoying because they buzz around anything remotely sweet and I had toast with raspberry preserves this morning. Drove me nuts trying to wave them off. They are very persistent and hard to swat.

An hour or so later I got my bike down from the hook and opened my back door. I almost lost my cookies. There is a large gap between my wooden door and my screen door and if I often just leave my trash in the gap for an hour or so til I've finished cleaning the house. Since I use the back door more often than the front, I rarely forget it. But not this time. There were bugs everywhere and now they were swarming into my house.

I have killed dozens of them since I've gotten home but they just keep coming. I have found a cup filled with a sugary liquid and a funnel on top makes a good trap. They get in really easy but can't get out. I have to cover my soda glass and plate with a napkin.

I can't believe there are so many of them. It was just a couple of days. Shit.

Let's See If We Can Actually Prosecute The Little Worm

His recurring talking points that we'll give them all the information they want when really the White House provides nothing they have asked for and continue to claim they lost things then later that they don't have to turn them over because it is a case of executive privilege. Then they say, "OK you can talk to these folks but only in a sealed hearing with no transcripts and no oaths." And why are they doing it? Not to save their asses but rather to protect the power of the presidency for future administrations. Yeah, right.

Tony Snow said that, "...no one has laid a glove on him.", while referring to Alberto Gonzales. Well, Tony, get your man ready to get in the ring.



Everybody cross your fingers because if the Solicitor General, Paul Clement, does not feel compelled to appoint a special counsel, all will have been for nothing. other cases in which we have seen people perjure themselves will fall to Gonzales and his cronies who will certainly refuse to prosecute. Ultimately, I think we are looking at a conviction near the end of Bush's term followed by an immediate pardon.

Why Isn't This Fella In Jail Yet?

Just fucking charge him already. What the fuck are we waiting for? Oh, wait. I forgot that no one will actually be able to prosecute anyone since the entire justice department is in the president's pocket. Fucking fuck.

Ya Know... There's A War Going On

So can we get serious for a moment? We are trying to narrow the field for our next president and here they are fielding questions from snowmen and 2 guys pretending to be hillbillies. This was pure entertainment and bad entertainment at that. I would have been better served by watching cartoons all night. Pathetic.

Attention Nerds!

HARRY POTTER IS NOT A REAL PERSON! HE CANNOT DIE! NEITHER CAN ANYONE ELSE IN THE BOOK! YOU CAN! STOP WASTING YOUR LIFE WAITING IN LINES! GO FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE AND WAIT TIL MONDAY TO BUY THE DAMN BOOK! IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT FOR PETE'S SAKE!

Mitt Romney Loves Pedophiles

Senator Obama recently spoke to a Planned Parenthood crowd about his view that children should be educated about good and bad touching to help avoid predatory sexual advances by pedophiles. Mitt seems to think this is a bad idea. A few years back he had a very similar view to Barack. But now he's pandering to the right instead of the rather moderate people of Mass. As he embraces the right he also embraces the hands off type of governing that encourages the style of hands on child care that NAMBLA supports.

Duh.

I've had a few embarassing moments since moving to my new floor. The first was yesterday morning after going to the bathroom. I finished my business and walked to the sink. I waved my hands in front of the motion sensitive faucet and waited for the water to come out. Nothing. I waved some more. Still no water. I started mumbling curses. That's when the guy behind me chimed in:

Guy: It's not automatic.

Me: (realizing there are knobs on the faucet) Oh. The one on my old floor was.

Guy: Well, this one isn't.

Fucking guy! What a jerk.

The next thing was towards the end of the day. I was waiting for the elevator to go down to 3 to get a Diet Dr. Pepper. It's my favorite soda but they don't have it in the machines on 9. While waiting I see a guy come out of the women's bathroom. "Was the men's room full or something?", I say. I got almost to the end of my statement before I realized I was talking to a woman who just really looked like a guy. She just looked at me. I stared at the elevator. She also waited for the elevator. A few more seconds passed and I patted my pockets and whispered, "Shit! Forgot my wallet.", and walked back to my desk. There was no f'n way I was riding on that elevator.

This Post Is Not A Jinx

Stephen Hawking's editor for A Brief History of Time warned him that for every equation in the book the readership will be halved. I believe the same equation is true for baseball posts on blogs. Seeing as I have already mentioned an equation and am about to blog a little about baseball, my readership should be somewhere around .125 by the time all the math is done. Shit! I just mentioned math again.

I have just begun getting excited about the Cubs again. They have been playing great lately. The young guys and old timers have really become a joy to watch. The pitching staff seems to have their shit together and the offense has really exploded since Lou exploded and got suspended for, well, being Lou. Anyways, I am pretty happy watching them play. I have a few worries though.

The last time I got all worked up about the boys in blue, I got blind sided by the Fish. You see, I (like many other Cubs fans) don't pay attention to any team outside of the NL Central. To be honest, I often don't pay attention to anything but who's on the Cubs schedule this week. I think that this comes from a long history of being disappointed by the big picture. It's easier to just focus on today's game (maybe just the current inning) and be happy if we do good today. Ignorance is bliss. This year I have tried to not do that and so, although I am confident we can win our division and maybe even the pennant, when I look out east and sea the kind of numbers being put up by Boston or just north to Milwaukee I get worried.

I'm in sales and like baseball it's a numbers racket. No one in the NL is playing .600 ball yet and may not. Some may say that you can't rely on that because of the strngth of divisions and all that. That can't be true for every division though. It just doesn't make sense.

Can someone who knows more about baseball than I do please convince me I am totally retarded and the Cubs are going to go all the way? I'd really appreciate it. In the meantime I am going to be grinning on one of the rooftops on Monday night but I'll have a helmet on.

I almost forgot. If Bonds jacks one far enough for me to catch it on Monday, I am going to throw that shit back. I don't care how much that ball is worth.

There's This Lady...

On my new floor here at work the lady in reception has a bunch of pictures of her kid at her desk. It is the ugliest baby I have ever seen. I think this might have something to do with the fact that she is very unpleasant.

Office Spaces

I got moved today. My whole group was moved from the 3rd floor to the 9th. I am now unable to walk the stairs to my office even if I wanted to. The doors only open to the stairwell on my floor. As a person who rides his bike to work often and am sometimes very sweaty, it will mean lots of odd looks from my new elevator buddies. Also, there is always a line of people waiting for the elevator each morning that I have been referring to as "elevator cows" since I started working there. They probably know this and can't wait to kill me.

I also made lots of friends on the 3rd floor. We talked today like we'd still email each other all the time and see each other at the El but I think that is just wishful thinking. I mean, I am going to be on 9! How am I going to be able to see you getting ready to go? Are you going to come up to 9 and ask, "Hey buddy, you ready to go?" I don't think so. Yer gonna start doing that with the guy that took my desk. That short,smelly,dorky asshole doesn't deserve you. Did he bring the 3rd floor doughnuts 3 times in the last six months? NO! He didn't! AND HE NEVER WILL! Sorry, I am a little upset. Excuse me for a sec.

K.

I'm back.

The worst part is that the 9th is a total sausage festival. I used to be surrounded by beautiful ladies (see "Compliments To Sunscreen") and now it's all dudes. Sad, sad, sad.

Company Picnic

I got PAID to fuck off and eat hot dogs today. We had a bunch of inflatable attractions and a pie eating contest and everything. My employer goes all out for work parties. In the Love/Hate relationship I have with my job, the love was in full force today.

You Should Go Buy This Book Cuz I Said So

If you don't believe me you can check out a little of it at theirwebsite.

Compliments To Sunscreen

I ride my bike to work most days and in an effort to reduce the appearance of a deep and intense farmers tan, I started putting sunscreen on my arms and face before I leave the house each morning. It is working great so far. My neck is not blood red and my nose does not resemble a red onion with its skin flaking off.

Another benefit is that there are a lot of ladies out there who really like the smell of sun tan lotion. I get compliments all day long. "You smell great." "You smell like the beach." "Somebody over here smells like summertime." I thank them all and explain why I am wearing tanning lotion in the office. This often leads to conversations about biking and that's a bonus too. Getting compliments at work is nice.

Privileged Executives

Fielding announced in letters sent to Leahy and Conyers today that he (on behalf of the president) has instructed the lawyers of former aides Harriet Myers and Sara Taylor not to testify before the Senate Judiciary Committee. In the letter he reiterated the president's lame argument, “assertion of executive privilege here is intended to protect a fundamental interest of the presidency: the necessity that a president receive candid advice from his advisers and that those advisers be able to communicate freely and openly with the president, and each other and with others inside and outside the executive branch.” How can their testimony possibly inhibit their ability to "communicate freely and openly" when they are no longer his aides? The "inside and outside of the executive branch" part is a joke too since the administration has never allowed anyone to communicate freely outside the doors of the White House.

Conyers later commented on the refusal of the White House to present a decent explanation by stating, “Contrary to what the White House may believe, it is the Congress and the courts that will decide whether an invocation of executive privilege is valid, not the White House unilaterally.” That's good stuff, John.

So There's This Guy...

He sits next to me at work and I am thinking of killing him. I have no idea why but he has decided that I am his best friend. I have done nothing to encourage this behavior. He annoys me endlessly. He is always coming up behind me and reading whatever I might be typing at that moment. If I am reading email, “Hey. Whatcha readin’?” Watching the You Tubes, “Hey. Whatcha watchin’?” I never know when he is going to be hovering over my shoulder. I have jokingly scolded him for it a number of times but he just doesn’t get the hint. It’s either murder or quitting and I got bills to pay folks. Things aren’t looking good for this idiot.

I Scream. You Scream. We All Scream, "Sex Offender!"

This fella is the latest of a string of stories I have picked up on this summer chronicling sex offender ice cream truck operators. I think Steve Buscemi showed us that creepy dudes and ice cream don't make a very good pairing back in '96 with his role in Trees Lounge. 11 years later and these things keep happening.

Aide-ing And Abetting

GW decided to commute the sentence of Scooter Libby which makes months of thinking of dirty prison jokes a complete waste of my time and energy. I literally had a pun filled post ready to go for the day he reported to prison. I must have spent at least 5 minutes on it. G-Bushy owes me 5 minutes of life. I am sure he will honor his debt but not until I am writhing in pain on my death bed wishing they would pull the plug on me.

After having a few days to take it all in I decided to revisit and edit this post. I think I gave the Bush administration a little too much credit on doing something based on character and loyalty earlier. Turns out that this all just more calculated politics.

I failed to think a few steps ahead. I didn't think about who would benefit from this move aside from Libby. I had forgotten about Plame's civil case and that makes all the difference. You see, Bush didn't pardon the man because that would mean he wouldn't have to appeal his case. If he isn't cought up in an appeal he has no grounds to plead the 5th in Valerie's civil trial. GW left the door open to possibly pardon him later on. I am pretty sure we all know that pardon is contingent on Libby keeping his mouth closed tight until sometime near the end of '08.

I Didn't Want To Go To Your Stupid Party Anyway!

A certain blogger has decided to make their blog invitation only. Seems that my invitation was lost or something. I am sure this was just a simple oversight. I'll just sit here and stare at my inbox til I get it.

A Total Piece of Ship

I was doing laundry and cleaning the house yesterday and had the TV going for no particular reason. I flipped through the channels for something to keep me company while I did my chores and settled on a showing of Titanic. I had never seen it before and thought that since everyone else in the world has given it a chance I should too.

I was preoccupied during much of the flick but I saw enough to know that this may have been the biggest load of poop ever to be flung upon the silver screen. Maybe I am just too cynical but it seemed to me that every single scene and line were so ham fisted and cloyingly saccharine that I felt like gouging the eyes out of every character in the film. I continued to watch to the bitter end just in case it would somehow redeem itself but it never did. With every passing second an avalanche of suburban housewife schlock gained more and more momentum. By the end, I thought the Ewoks would climb aboard the ship and announce that we were all invited to a party at Oprah's house and would ride there on unicorns.

I should have known to turn it off the second I saw Billy Zane's name appear in the opening credits.

Later, I watched Last King Of Scotland and felt a lot better.

The Cheney Of Command

*

The VP and his lawyers have recently decided (I thought that was G-Bushy's job) that he is not part of the Executive Branch of governement and therefor does not have to abide by the same executive secrecy rules that the President does. This is a pretty huge flip-flop as he has been protected in the past claiming executive privelege. The Energy Task Force is one great example. Many folks believe he basically let his oil industry cronies write policy.

Rahm Emanuel has made the argument that if the office of the VP is part of the legislative branch then its funding should be controlled by the purstrings of congress. If his argument holds true he intends to defund the VP's office. I think it is very clever however unlikely.

A more realistic advantage of the the Veep's office being part of the Legislative branch would mean that he could thoretically be brought up on Senatorial ethics charges. It's basically a fucked/fucked situation for Cheney but I believe it is the intention of his office to keep this whole mess in the courts until the curtain closes on this administration.

*Taken from a children's website on the basic structure of our system of government.

Pants Suit

A judge ruled in favor of the owners of Custom Cleaners. Roy L. Pearson, an administrative law judge, originally sought $67 million from the Chungs, claiming they lost a pair of suit trousers and later tried to give him a pair that he said was not his. He later reduced his claim to $54 million. What a saint.

As happy as I am for the Chung family that owns the business, I am worried about the ramifications this will have on my current $3 trillion lawsuit against Clorox for ruining a chambray shirt I’ve had since 1993. 14 years down the drain. It was like a member of my family died when I saw that bleach stain.

Shit You Don't Need

I eyed this product on the tube this morning in the break room at work.



It's called The Perfect Pushup and you might want to consider buying one if you have ever looked at your floor and thought, "You know what this floor needs? Handles!"

CIA Reports

We've all heard (and probably used) the phrase, "I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you." Apparently, the CIA has decided that they no longer need to kill us and are just gonna tell us. Read all about it here.

You Gotta be Shitting Me (Again)

So let me get this straight... Karen Stevens, Tovah Calderon and Teresa Kwong all had good performance ratings as career attorneys at Justice. They were all minority women. So it just makes perfect sense that they were replaced by a bunch of white people. I mean, just because they worked for the civil rights division doesn't mean that the people responsible for letting them go would stop to think that it might be a violation of their civil rights or anything.

This is just the latest in a string of "you must be fucking kidding me" moments to come out of the DoJ in recent months. Schumer and Leahy are gonna take turns ass punding this Schlozman fella. This guy is such a dumbass. He probably would have gotten away with it if he hadn't felt the need to brag about it. He bragged that he did it to "make room for some good Americans." Apparently, good = white Republicans.

An Urgent Plea To The Chicago Department Transportation

To whom it may concern,

I ride my bike to work every day (weather permitting) in an effort reduce my carbon footprint as well as my beach sand ass-print. We have a lot of different bike routes in the city that I am really happy to have. I can generally plan a reasonably safe route from where I live to just about any destination in the city. In many cases there is even a designated bike path. I am truly proud to live in a city that encourages such green commuting.

Having said all that, I do have one very urgent complaint that I hope can be addressed soon. On my way home from work there is a strip of southeast bound Milwaukee Ave. that has a shoulder so rough that navigating it requires the use of a cup. I'm serious. Between Lawrence and Irving Park my boys really take a beating. Some days I wish I was a eunuch. Riding a bull would be a cake walk in comparison. I don't know if this kind of abuse can make you sterile or not but I am pretty sure that it can scramble my eggs enough to produce a few short bus riders if you get my drift. Please, if not for my sake,for the sake of my future children, address this problem immediately.

Sincerely,

Michael K

Oh, No!

I have been riding my bike to work again lately. It's about 14 or 15 miles each way. In the morning it's not too bad but in the heat of the late afternoon I perspire quite heavily. As such, I found myself fantasizing of a big pitcher of green (yes, green is a flavor)Kool Aid on my home yesterday in the near 90 degree heat. By the time I got back to my neighborhood I was jonesing for a sweet, vitamin C fortified fix.

I locked up my bike and headed over to the little Mexican grocery around the corner. Up and down the aisles I went. In the soda aisle? Nope. Maybe it's by the sugar. Nope. By the coffee and tea? The dehydrated foods? By the Juices? Nope, nope and nope. I head on over to the counter...

Counter Lady: Can I help you?

Me: Where do you keep the Kool Aid?

Counter lady: Hold on. (she turns and shouts to a guy in produce) Pedro! Pedro!

Pedro: Que?

Counter Lady: Spanish spanish spanish spanish spanish.

Pedro: Spanish spanish spanish spanish spanish.

Counter lady: (to me) No. We don't carry it.

Me: Really? No Kool Aid, no Flavr-Aid, no Wyler's?

Counter lady: Sorry.

I was outraged. I have been surprised in the past by some of the items this store doesn't carry but not having Kool Aid just doesn't make sense. I live in a relatively low income/ethnic neighborhood and nobody loves themselves some Kool Aid like poor people. I have vowed never to darken their doorway again.

I walked across the street to the little convenience store and they had Kool Aid. I got enough to make a gallon of the green stuff.

I hurried home with my treasure and mixed up a big batch and served over ice. The first glass was delicious. The second was almost as good. The glass I poured to go with my big dinner salad went largley untouched. Ya know, a gallon of Kool Aid is a lot for one person.

So Long Mr. Wizard

As a total nerd, I watched Mr. Wizard's show every chance I got. I even recreated several of the experiments (some even successfully) in my garage and basement. After one rather smelly chemical reaction made the house stink like a rotting corpse for days, I was grounded for 2 weeks.

I owe a great deal of my reclusive manner in school and general awkward way with women to Don Herbert and his ilk but how can you hold a grudge against a guy who scared the piss out of an even more awkward kid each week on his show? Here's to you, Mr. Wizard.

WTTW, Your Window To Some Bullshit Suze Orman Crap

I love PBS. I love the cooking shows on weekends. I love Frontline and Nova on Tuesday nights. I love The McLaughlin Group, The News Hour, Chicago Tonight and a whole mess of other programming. I donate when these shows are on because that is why I watch. So why the fuck do they put on all these stupid fucking self improvement programs and terrible concerts by some of the lamest performers ever during the pledge drive? Do they think that by driving away their core viewership and attracting people who like crap that they can make more money?

Suze Orman scares me. I mean, look at her. I think she wants to eat my brains. And who the fuck is going to take financial advice from a woman who would buy a shirt like that?

Czar Wars

I am actually pretty impressed with this Lute guy. He is finally telling it like it is. He even agreed that we should start pulling troops out since the current situation is creating a cycle of dependence on US support. Sadly, he doesn't really have any clout on his own. He cannot direct the actions of the military directly but rather is there to coordinate the activities of the executive branch.

There is the possibility that with Pace leaving after September(effectively ending the Rumsfeld era) that significant changes in the chain of command could be brought to pass. If not staffing changes, certainly we can expect operational changes. The guy they are going to tap to replace Pace is Admiral Michael Mullen, Chief of US Naval Operations. As someone who served in the USN, I can say that more so than any other branch of the military the Navy is focused on coordinating efforts and excel at it. Anytime we had joint operations during my service, the Navy was directing operational and tactical for all branches involved. This is due heavily to the Navy being more of a technology driven operation than personnel driven. They are always looking to reduce dependence on people to handle military actions.

I am looking forward to changes and am actually slightly optimistic that although there will never be an ideal solution, an acceptable compromise might be on the horizon. Then again the whole fucking place might just end up in the cross hairs of a bunch of the Navy's nuclear subs. ICBM, Iraq Can Be Mastered.