My Blog Will Be Way More Popular After This Post

I was listening to NPR this morning and there was some discussion about the Philippine's Moral Islamic Liberation Front and a recent peace agreement that they had arrived at with President Arroyo. You can learn a lot about it by Googling "Filipino MILF".

Sleeping Problems?

Do you find yourself tossing and turning at night? Are you kept awake worrying about things you can't do anything about? Are you just too keyed up to get a good rest? Me too! Here's what did last night to remedy it:

1. Chose a relaxing movie to watch before bed. My choice was "Narc."
   
2. While watching the movie I snacked on chocolate covered espresso beans and washed it down with Diet Dr. Pepper.
   
3. Sat quietly in bed waiting for my heart to explode.
   
4. Slept like a baby*.

There you have it. Good luck and sweet dreams.



*A crack baby.

The Creepy Guy At The Gym

Dear Creepy Guy,

Just wanted to let you know that I REALLY don't need a spot. Seriously, I got it. If I need help I'll let you know. Actually, I won't. I'll let someone else know because you are totally creeping me out. You've asked me like 20 times and the only people who would do such a thing are stalkers and Super Christians and I don't have room for either in my life right now.

Also, if you could cut the chit-chat in the locker room, I'd really appreciate it. I do not like talking to other guys when I'm naked. Don't stand around waiting for me to take my head phones off either. That is not some sort of signal. I just can't change my shirt with my iPod on.

Another locker room issue I have is that you apparently don't realize that you can pass me by stepping to the other side of the bench. No need to brush by in your towel. If you do it again, I might freak out a little. Actually, I might freak out a lot.

Finally, eat a fucking Certs or something. You got salami breath real bad.

Sincerely,
Michael K

A Lesson Learned

If you are having coffee with a group of people and you notice that a woman has a cigar case in her purse, do not say, "Hey, you must really like the tobaccy. What kind of cigars do you smoke?" There is a good chance that she does not carry cigars in it.

So Long, Tim.

Tim Russert died today. Sunday mornings won't be the same. Here he is busting Cheney's balls:



Good times.

Finally

Last night should have finally brought the campaign to a close but Hillary has decided to hold out and not make a concession speech. I imagine she is holding out for some concession form the Obama campaign. I imagine it is something to do with carrying her agenda forward. I hope that whatever it is, she either gets it or gets over it soon. It's time to get on with the ass kicking we are going to give McCain.

If this is any indicator of the treatment McCain is going to get from the press in the months to come, this is going to be a fucking blowout.



Yes, those are FOX news correspondents making fun of Johnny "Geritol" McCain.

While I am in cocky swagger mode I'd like to add, "GO CUBS!"

I Went To College.

And I am sure my professors would be thrilled by this exchange I had today with a passing motorist:

Dude in truck: Nice hat, faggot! Cubs suck!

Me: Suck my ass!

Then I shot him the bird.

Maybe It's Just Me...

I really like The Arcade Fire. They are one of the 3 or 4 best bands from the last few years in my opinion. I stayed up late twice to watch them on both Austin City Limits and SNL. I even plan on going to see them the next time they are in town. With all that said, there is one problem I have with this group (not that they're Canadian) and it has to do with this song:



It's a great song but every time I hear it I get this song stuck in my head:



Is it just me?

You Get What You Pay For

I have been reviewing the "Free" listings on Craigslist lately. Here are a few things that could be yours for nothing:

• Expired Baby Cereal - Unopened - We Care about our children but if you don't, come pick this shit up.
• used motor oil 8 gallons FREE -Throw in a wading pool and a turkey baster and you got yourself a deal. Ladies?
• concrete blankets -Sounds comfy.
• Free Boat:: What Do You Expect For Free ? -A fucking boat, I guess!
  

ET Is Just Alright With Me...

The Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory, said that the vastness of the universe means it is possible there could be other forms of life outside Earth, even intelligent ones.

In an interview published Tuesday by Vatican newspaper L'Osservatore Romano, Funes said that such a notion "doesn't contradict our faith" because aliens would still be God's creatures.

All my Catholic friends can openly enjoy fantasies of being abducted by little green men now that the Vatican has given the OK to believe in aliens. They just aren't allowed to enjoy what the little green men do to them.

Coo-coo for CUFI?

McCain's campaign has been making a lot of what they call an "endorsement" by Hamas for Obama. It was actually a comment by Ahmed Yousef that he liked Barack and then compared him to JFK. This is actually pretty old news but since it was brought up in a conversation I had yesterday with a person who is not a complete idiot, I thought I'd weigh in on one of my favorite McCain supporter/endorsers, John Hagee.

Hamas may be full of religious nuts but they are also the leading political party in the Palestinian Authority and believe that the Senator from Illinois has displayed the leadership needed to resolve issues in the mid-east. Even so, Obama has condemned them as a terrorist organization on a number of occasions. Not exactly courting their endorsement. Thus it is hard to believe that the beliefs of Hamas will have any bearing on the Senator's policies. The "endorsement" is nothing more than a strange comment on a radio show.

Hagee is a religious nut/televangelist who has lots of viewers here in the US. I assume a lot of those people vote and are probably in the conservative Republican camp. Those voters have been heavily courted by McCain and when he received Hagee's endorsement at a press conference his campaign organized, he seemed pretty pleased with it. Here's a little taste of the John Hagee we all know and love:



And some more stuff for those of you who can't get enough:



Apparently, Ezekiel and Joel were huge on petroleum economics and foreign policy.

And just in case you think Hagee is just a fat old man who spouts off to crazy people and not part of a dangerous organization like Hamas:



Maybe it's just me but I think that maybe John McCain ought to start condemning folks like this. Don't get me started about Pat Robertson (again).

Fear and Hatred in Milwaukee

Since coming to Milwaukee I have discovered a that there is a long standing feud between the citizens of Cream City and The Hog Butcher for the World. The problem is that nobody bothered to tell people in Chicago.

They fucking hate Chicago here. They blame us for everything from pollution to stealing all their talented young people and crowding their lakes with tourists. I was yelled at in the Pick-and-Save the other day while wearing my Cubs hat. A fella told me, "The fucking Cubs suck!" He had his kids with him. He was passing the hate down to another generation right there in the produce department. I imagined them eating apples later at a Klan rally and complaining that they were picked by a bunch of filthy Chicagoans.

While riding my bike the other day (again with my Cubs hat on) a guy in a truck pulled alongside me and yelled, "Where's your training wheels, pansy? Go back to Illinois!" it was right around the time you'd expect someone to get off work from the brewery so he was probably drunk but that hardly excuses his behavior.

I can't wait to get back to Chi-town and go back to ignoring Milwaukee and treating Wisconsin like Canada.

Can I Get A God Damn, America!?

I have been to a lot of different religious services in my life and have heard lots of crazy shit come out of the mouths of religious men and have not spoken out to condemn them. To prevent that from ever casting a cloud of suspicion over any future campaigns for elected office, I would like to set the record straight that I believe most of the stuff that comes out of the mouths of preachers is nutty bullshit. I don't think anybody is going to hell or that they will be buried up to their chins in shit for eternity.

Speaking of being buried in shit, isn't it time we all asked that Chris Wallace stop sullying the name of his father with his non-stop drivel? I am challenging Chris Wallace to be interviewed by this blog and am officially declaring my own "Wallace Watch!" Every second that passes without a response will be interpreted as cowardice by Chris and not as him disregarding a 2 bit blogger because he has something else to do. As a matter of fact, I'm putting all of Fox News on notice. It's an all out "Fox Watch" bitches!

I Can Be Silent No Longer

I am personally offended by Geraldine's comments and negative portrayal of African Americans. Shameful.

A Little Taste

Howdy, folks! Thanks for all your well wishes and everything. I am doing fine and hope to begin acting like a normal person again soon. Not up for a great big old blog post just yet but here are a few notes and thoughts over recent weeks.

• Obama is going to be our next president and I am taking all the credit in advance.
• The writers strike is over and SNL better make up for it tonight or I am going to throw my TV out the window.
• I went to Shedd Aquarium a few days ago and one of the whales exhaled in my face. It was pretty cool.
• Cubs are in training camp. I am getting excited. I am retarded.

I'm going to spend some time over the next several weeks in Milwaukee. If anyone has any suggestions on how to spend my time out there, suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

More soon.

Catching Up

Sorry to anyone who may have actually visited recently. I have been a bad blogger. I have a great excuse though. I have been in the hospital since the 27th and have just gained access to a computer. I am going to be fine so nobody worry bout a thing. I just need to catch up on a few things that I missed.

1. Barack Obama (my guy) won the Iowa caucus and it looks like he is going to win in New Hampshire as well. I am feeling all proud of myself since I made more than a few calls on his behalf over the last few months. Once SC is in the bag I plan to send Hillarty a photocopy of my ass.
2. Ron Paul is a racist anti-semite. This doesn't really surprise me since the Libertarian party has a huge racist sefment that Ron has appealed to in a type of coded language in some of his speeches. He has spoken in support of secession, and is a neo-confederate that thinks both the Civil War and the Civil Rights Act were huge mistakes. Why do so many people back this guy? The possible answer makes me shudder.
3. Hillary is a cry-baby. I actually found her show of emaotion quite charming but when she used it a s a spring board to launch into a negative attack on Barack, I was a little put off.
4. The Daily Show is back. YAY!!

That's all I got for now. I promise to try and write more in the coming weeks. Happy New Year!

The Writers Strike Must End

Clash Of The Choirs? Is that really what's on TV tonight? For 2 hours? Are you fucking kidding me? Who let Michael Bolton on TV? And Patti Labelle? Way to be on top of the hot talent NBC. Blake Shelton sounds like a made up soap opera name written by a 9 year old.

I don't know who has to blow who over in Hollywoodland to end this thing but people better starting putting on the lip gloss pretty soon or I am gonna shoot somebody. They're bringing back American Gladiators on prime time TV for fuck's sake! I am going to turn on my TV soon hoping to catch a new episode of 30 Rock and there is going to be a man in a unitard named Laser beating a guy with a pillow on a broom handle. Fuck me.

A Christmas Story

When I was in elementary school, we were off the week prior and the week following Christmas. For me, much of this time was spent outside playing in the snow. Burrowing tunnels through plow piles, sledding, snowball fights and the like were pretty much the sole source of entertainment until we got Atari when I was in th 6th grade. Looking back, it was a lot of fun but I was always jealous of those friends who got to go on vacations every winter. They'd come back from break with tans and stories about dolphins, parasailing, and snorkeling.

The first few days recesses back at school were usually spent discussing what we had done over break. We'd huddle around on the playground and share our stories. The vacation kids usually went first as they were the most enthusiastic. The kids who got really cool stuff like snowmobiles and mini-bikes were next followed by kids who talked about stunts they pulled and drunken uncles. The last kids to speak were the one-uppers and the liars. In the fifth grade I was in the "stunts/uncles" group after getting busted at the beginning of the year telling a complete bullshit story about what I had done over summer break. I had learned my lesson. This is a story of someone else's humiliation.

It was the first day back from break we were out at recess. Eric P (last names abbreviated to protect the innocent) had just finished telling a funny story about a drunken uncle at a Christmas Eve party and we were all replaying images of it in our heads. After the giggling subsided, Joe R. piped in and started telling a story about something his brother did at his own Christmas Party. We listened to him but we were a little skeptical of everything he said.

Joe was a horrible one-upper who filled his stories with lots of exaggerations. Once, during a class party for our teacher's birthday, Joe did a few magic tricks. After the teacher told him how good he was, we had to endure Joe telling us all that his grandfather was friends with Harry Houdini. Most of his stories were studded with these types of gems. They were fantastic but unverifiable.

Joe's story was going along as we would usually expect. He exaggerated about how much stuff was at the party and how awesome his brother's car was. The goose his mom made barely fit in the oven. His grandmother gave him a check for for a thousand bucks but the money was in the bank and he couldn't get at it until he was 16. We doubted a lot of what he said but noone was going to call his house and ask his mom so what could you do?

Joe wasn't getting the ooh's and ahh's he wanted so his story began to take a more fantastic turn. The following are Joe's words as best I can recall them.

Joe: So then, we went home after the party and my mom let me eat rum balls. I think they had a lot of rum in them and I was feeling all drunk. I stayed up and watched Scrooge and then I put out cookies and stuff for Santa.

This last part sent up a few alarms but nobody called him on it. Some families do these things out of tradition. We let him go on.

Joe: I went to bed and later I heard some noise coming from the living room so I got up and snuck out to look and Santa was there putting presents under the tree.

You'd think the stunned look on all our faces would have clued him in to bail on this tale but I think he misinterpreted it as us all really digging his story. He continued.

Joe: Yeah, so there was Santa and I was trying to be quiet but he knows everything so he knew I was there and everything so he turned around and said, "Hello, Joseph. You've been a very good boy this year so I came to give you a special present."

His only salvation would be if this turned into a drunken uncle/child molester story but Joe was now completely in fantasy land.

Joe: So Santa took me up to the roof and gave me a ride on Rudolph and we went to the North Pole and met the elves and stuff. I got to have cookies with Mrs. Claus and everything. Then he flew me back and he gave me a new football and made me go back to bed.

The grilling started immediately. "Wow, Joe. What did Santa look like?" "What kept you from freezing to death in your pajamas while flying to the North Pole on a reindeer?" Dozens of questions were asked and Joe came up with fantastic answers for all of them. He had no idea that he was rapidly digging the hole we would soon bury him in. My best friend, Eric, finally ended the real questions and started the ridicule.

"Hey, Joe." he started, "What does reindeer shit smell like? Candy canes?"

Paul W. added, "Yeah, Joe. What do Santa's balls taste like?"

I don't remember how it ended exactly. I'm sure the bell rang at some point and ended the nightmare that Joe had conjured for himself. We teased him about it for weeks and every year after that someone would bring it up at a class Christmas party or dance. Hell, here I am writing about it all these years later. I wonder if he wakes up sweating on Christmas day with the sound of laughing 10 year old boys in his head. I know I would.

Democratic Debate

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Wha? Huh? Sorry. I nodded off a little bit there for a second. Talking about family farmers is pretty fucking fascinating but can we get to the blowjobs? Iowans really need a BJ right now. Please tell them how much you like the greasy shit that they all choke down at the state fair.Please tell them how important they are and how awesome they are. Sure, there's a war going on but BJs are what is really on the minds of potential caucus goers in IA. Go get your knee-pads, Joe. There are only 3 weeks left and you're way behind in the polls.

Republican Debate

After watching the debate last night I came away with these basic points:

• Carolyn Washburn is a stickler for time limits
• Alan Keyes is batshit crazy
• Carolyn Washburn has a giant rod up her ass
• Mitt Romney has nice hair
• I cannot imagine what kind of living nightmare it must be to work for Carolyn Washburn
• Tancredo's stance on ensuring that immigrants are assimilated into our culture comes off a little racist